Last night I was out with my editor and friend, Bobby RioCreator of TSB Magazine, premier dating instructor, and author of multiple best selling dating courses. Also, one of Rob Judge’s close friends; Bobby and Rob have collaborated on several best-selling products and courses.. It’s pretty awesome when you have a job where hooking up with girls is considered R&D.
We arrived at a rooftop lounge, grabbed a round of drinks, and scoped the place out. It looked like the typical shenanigans of New York nightlife. We sledged through a crowd of people. We dodged the occasional erratic dance move until we’d pushed our way to the back patio section.
Having put relative distance between ourselves and the chaos, I glanced over our surroundings. Next to us were two guys. They were a comic pairing, these two guys. Both looked like they were in their late 30s. One was balding, the other looked overly eager with eyes bulging out of his head.
Like clockwork, their heads swiveled with each passing female. I could imagine them as two wacky cops in an early ‘90s action comedy movie. I took a long, sweet sip of my Stella and eavesdropped on their conversation. What I heard was not comic, but tragic.
But I Stopped The Last Girl,
whined the balding man.
Now It’s Your Turn!
Bulging eyes contested,
You Call That Opening? You Didn’t Even Intro Me!
That’s Because You Always Mess Up! You Need To Learn How To Transition Better!
You Need To Learn How To Open Better! I Can’t Believe You’re Blaming This On Me!
So it goes. I’m sure you can imagine how this conversation started, and probably ended. I could only stomach so much eavesdropped bickering—plus I had some R&D to do. I enjoyed my night, only noticing the comically paired duo once more that evening. They were standing in the same spot, doing the same head swivel, probably having the same conversation.
It sort of broke my heart.
The Inadequacy of “Game”
Recently I’ve received some attention for my flippant stance on “Pickup Artists.” I appreciate the well-articulated response on Roissy’s excellent blog as well as everyone else who gave it a mention. While it may have seemed harsh and even self-serving, it wasn’t my intention to tear things down without offering an alternative.
Because our generation definitely needs some variation of “Pickup Artists”—it just shouldn’t be called “pickup”…nor is it “art.” If we sift away the Pickup Artist’s sleaziness, buffoonery, gimmicks, clownery, creepiness, weirdness, and apathy I think we can get somewhere. The Pickup Artist’s heart is in the right place…it’s just too bad there’s so much peacocking covering it up. (Sorry, couldn’t resist another PUA joke!)
I believe the vast majority of men today need some sort of help when it comes to understanding women. Most men don’t understand how to meet, attract, relate to, and (successfully) date women. I’ll be the first to admit that I certainly didn’t. Guys often regard women as smaller men with vaginas. In other words, men often overlook the unique psychology and emotional needs of women.
These misunderstandings lead to conflict, frustration, and loneliness. Hence, I’m not saying learning “game” isn’t important—I’m just saying you shouldn’t call it “game.” Terms like “Pickup Artist” and “game” imply you must learn a skill or an “art.” It dupes guys into believing they must “execute” a skill-set in order to attract women.
When Pickup Artists meet a woman they find attractive, rather than enjoy the moment with her, they try to “create” moments. By creating moments I mean they consciously twist and contort an interaction to fit into what they consider to be “a successful pickup” or “demonstrate great game.” This poisons any chance of an interaction unfolding organically—which essentially contradicts the entire point of meeting new people.
So that’s why I equated the world of Pickup Artists to a huge circle jerk of men hoping to impress other men. Rather than get to know attractive women, Pickup Artists create synthetic moments so they can run back to their “lair” or internet forum and detail the “amazing game” they displayed.
And just to clarify, I’m not strictly talking about “Mystery Method”-style game. While the structure of Mystery Method makes it an obvious example of “creating moments,” natural game is just as bad. Any style of “game” that doesn’t take into account the woman, the situation, and other factors other than the man is a style of game invented for men only.
Oh, if you want to see what “creating moments” looks like, this video clip pretty much nails it:
Not once does this Pickup ArtistAn outdated—and somewhat unfair—term used to describe a movement that encouraged men to actively go out and improve their dating success by cold approaching women. Most popular in the mid- to late-2000’s, the movement has received a lot of media scrutiny. While Rob Judge is a vocal critic of Pickup Artists, and differentiates himself from the movement, he also believes the mainstream perception of PUAs is biased and hypocritical. take into account how he’s making Vivian feel. It’s only “game time” for this chap. Not surprisingly he thinks he ran solid game, but she’s left disgusted and creeped out. Ironically, this guy probably ran back to his Pickup Artist buddies and regaled them with the juicy details of his jaw-dropping game. By only getting this one-sided male perspective, the inaccurate picture of attraction and dating (a.k.a., game) continues to spread by men, for men. And poor women like Vivian are left to endure awkward encounters of the Pickup Artist kind.
Get Girls, Not Game
I know sometimes Zack and I come off like the rowdy kids who sit in the back of class and make farting noises as the teacher tries to lecture. Sometimes we scroll mantras like “get girls, not game” without really explaining what that means. If you’ve read this far, hopefully you have an idea of the difference between “getting girls” and “getting game.”
Guys often regard women as smaller men with vaginas. In other words, men often overlook the unique psychology and emotional needs of women.
Again, I want to emphasize that I’m 100-percent for men learning to be better with women. Moreover, I whole-heartedly respect every guy who picks up the gauntlet of self-improvement and has the motivation to change his life. And that’s why it broke my heart to hear that bickering last night. Guys shouldn’t be arguing over Pickup Artist nonsense; instead they should be basking in the awesomeness of being out to meet great women! And there were plenty there last night…according to my R&D report.
If guys could just remember what inspired them to learn to be successful with women in the first place, they’d unravel much of what’s holding them back. Once you sift away “the game” from “the girls,” you’ll realize the absurdity of the minutiae of Pickup Artists. Rather than perfecting the Art of Pickup, perfect the Art of Being Fucking Awesome. That’s not a gimmick—that’s an attitude.
As I see it, that attitude can be broken into 4 parts—what Zack and I call “the 4 elements.” By understanding what those 4 elements are, and when to apply them, men can put forth their most awesome foot forward—every time. They can enjoy their time with attractive women, let interactions unfold organically, know exactly what to do and how to do it—yet never feel as if they’re trying to create moments.
Obviously I can’t detail exactly what that entails in a blog post I’m typing up as I eat dinner. It took me 175 pages and 6 months of revising before I detailed it exactly how I envisioned it. So, if you’re interested in learning more about these 4 elements of “getting girls, not game,” please click here.
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