The Critic

It’s no secret I’m a loud critic of “The Pickup Community.” While some claim my criticism is a thinly disguised marketing ploy or an outgrowth of my own insecurities, the truth is much deeper than it probably seems. For me, I spent way too much time believing the hype and myths of The Pickup Community. Those beliefs kept me from meeting and dating countless awesome women.

In fairness, however, some of the material in The Pickup Community was extremely helpful and allowed me to meet and date countless awesome women. The problem isn’t The Pickup Community at large; instead, it’s the echo chamber that promotes and amplifies the wrong messages.

So, this morning, I decided to write a post I wish I had read 3 or 4 years ago. Today I want to sift away the facts from the fictions of The Pickup Community. Rather than just smash on the idiocy of bad advice and pointless strategies, I’m also going to include classic “Pickup Communityisms” that actually work.

So let’s get sifting!

FICTION: Controlling the frame will get a woman attracted to you

Whenever I hear someone bring up “frames,” a little part of my soul wilts away and dies. The entire concept is steeped in nerdom. Any man who thinks he can talk to a woman and subtly “re-frame” the conversation so that it appears as if she’s the one pursuing him, and then, magically, by dint of that “frame battle,” said woman will find herself mysteriously attracted to him, is a man who’s living on another planet.

Of course, since this concept tickles the inner analytical nerd in every guy, the community obsesses over “frames”: who’s winning a frame battle, how to re-frame her statements, what are the best frames to set. In all my real world experience, not once has “framing” ever gotten a woman attracted to me. The only action you’ll get from “frames” is from other nerds who are titillated by frames.

Frames are a huge fiction in “The Pickup Community” and a detrimental one at that. If you want to get massively stuck in your own head, wasting your mental energy on something that has absolutely no relevance in real life, then continue to believe in the gross fiction of framingA “fiction” of the modern dating advice community. Altering her perception of an interaction to achieve a specific goal..

FACT: Misinterpretation adds attractive sexual tension into a conversation

While misinterpretation is a close cousin to framing, it’s much less nerdy and way more effective. Rather than having all the hyper-analytical mental baggage of frames, misinterpretation just redirects the focus of a conversation.

Misinterpretation is a great way to playfully introduce a sexual vibe into a conversation. As long as you don’t nerd it up, misinterpretation is an effortless way to stoke attraction. By not nerding it up, I’m advising you to not think too hard about the “perfect misinterpretation.” (In fact, the more spontaneous and unrelated your misinterpretation, the better)

Whenever I think a great misinterpretation, I always think of that scene in Billy Madison where Adam Sandler screams out, “NO, I WILL NOT MAKEOUT WITH YOU!” (If you don’t know what I’m talking about, rent that movie…for educational purposes.) Likewise, whenever I misinterpret something a girl says, I usually just blurt out something sexual and funny, like, “Did you just say you watch midget porn? Gross!”

It doesn’t matter how or when you misinterpret what she says, just blurt out anything that redirects the conversation. By doing that, you add sexual tension—a crucial ingredient for a great interaction.

FICTION: Being seen with other women will increase your “social proof”

Wow, one of my all-time biggest gripes with “The Pickup Community”: the fallacy of social proofThe idea that being seen with other hot girls will get you more girls. Synonymous with “pre-selection.”. Nothing is a stupider waste of time than worrying about “being seen” with hot chicks. The Pickup Community acts as if this is the magic bullet of seduction: just prance around the club with some hotties and girls will start throwing their panties at you.

No one goes out to the club taking note of who’s with who.

Of course, this is an extremely popular “strategy” in The Pickup Community not because it works, but because it caters to most guys’ narcissistic fantasy that people give a shit about them. Just as men are afraid of approaching women because they’ll “look stupid,” these same men believe that being seen with hot babes will make them “look attractive.”

Guess what: no one gives a fuck about you. You’re not a special snowflake, dawg.

No one goes out to the club taking note of who’s with who. Think about it: do you remember what guys were surrounded by girls the last time you were out, and what guys were there by themselves? Probably not. Chances are you were more caught up in how you were being perceived to give a shit about anyone else. And that’s everyone else’s attitude, as well.

If you believe in “social proof,” not only are you believing in something that has absolutely no effect whatsoever on attraction, but you’re also convincing yourself that people notice you at the club. This belief will unconsciously cause you to behave more self-consciously and avoid making any bold moves.

Big Brother is not watching. Social proof is a heaping pile of bullshit.

FACT: Having the most fun with your friends will draw women to you

Unlike social proof, having fun with your friends will help you meet women. If you and your friends are laughing and joking around with each other, people will want to be around your positive vibe. Again, no one will consciously notice you, but, as they pass, they’ll feel the fun radiating from your group.

Unlike the typical “guys out to meet women,” if you’re out enjoying your night with friends, you won’t seem as if you’re a pickup predator stalking women. You’ll come across as someone who dictates his own night—not depending on others to validate his existence. In a word, you’ll be viewed as a “leader.”

Moreover, even if no one notices you, the fun you’re enjoying with your friends will spill over into your approaches. You will approach women propelled by a fun vibe, without hoping for an outcome. If she loves you, awesome—you just found yourself a girlfriend for the night. If she hates you, awesome—you just got yourself a hilarious rejection story to tell your friends. It’s nothing but wins when you’re going out to have fun with your friends.

FICTION: You must “qualify” a girl to have a solid interaction with her

Another classic piece of bullshit everyone preaches, but never got anyone a girl. The way most pickup companies and instructors talk about “qualification” makes me wonder how the human race remained in existence back before men knew about this illustrious pickup tactic. Luckily for humankind, qualificationA person is said to be “qualifying” him or herself when listing reasons they’re a good choice. Qualification often comes in the form of trying to live up to someone’s standards (e.g., “I like that, too!”) or offering reasons why they’re high value (e.g., “I drive a Mercedes”). Often it’s assumed that the person who is qualifying is the lower value person in the interaction. Qualification can also signal interest and attraction. is not necessary whatsoever when attracting women.

Trust me, no woman says to herself, “Hmmm…I wasn’t really feeling this guy, but once he started aggressively asking me if I have anything else going for me other than my looks, I knew I just had to have him.” Qualification is not only a myth; it also makes guys look like socially retarded assholes.

Even if a woman answers your lame “qualification” phase, it didn’t help your pickup in any way. In fact, most of the time, I’ve seen qualification backfire and cause a woman who was attracted to run the other way.

Qualification is not only a myth; it also makes guys look like socially retarded assholes.

If you want to impress the drones of the Pickup Community, keep thinking you need to qualify chicks; if you actually want to have quality, genuine interactions, see this myth for what it is.

FACT: Being a “challenge” will cause a woman to respect you

Unlike preplanned qualification, being “challenging” does create solid interactions. Most guys bend over backwards in the presence of a hot woman. For example, most guys try desperately to “connect” with women over something she says.

If she says something cool, by all means connect with her over it; however, I’ve seen more guys sell themselves out by trying to force rapport, which causes a woman to lose massive respect for the guy. And if you don’t think I’m talking to the Community, just think of all the ridiculous shit men pretend they’re into to appease a woman’s interests: palm reading, “chick crack”, cold reads, and everything else in that horrific Neil Strauss book.

Rather than pretending you enjoy something to hold a woman’s interests, challenge her to live up to your standards. For example, if a woman brought up some celebrity gossip tidbit in a conversation, I’d respond exactly how I’d respond if one of my guy friends had brought it up to me: I’d say, “That’s retarded. Why are we talking about this?”

Conversely, if a woman brought up a good book she was reading, I’d respond enthusiastically. I’m not “trying” to be a challenge; I’m merely “being myself” by knowing what I do and don’t like. I may like hot babes, but I’m not going to compromise my integrity just to hold their attention. That makes me a challenge, which is incredibly attractive to most women.

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  1. Good stuff Rob!
    It amazes me how many guys have pics posted of themselves with attractive women on online dating. Do they really think that the attractive women online will then start flocking to them ’cause other women want to be in their presence? All I see when a guy has pictures posted with women (unless it’s mom, you know..) is desperate to come across as a desirable guy. Don’t highlight your insecurity. Instead, it’s best to be alone in pics, or with a dog, or with your buddies, whatever.

  2. Rob,

    Yet another great article. I especially like your last “Fact” about maintaining your integrity. That’s crucial.

    About “qualification”, the way I’ve always thought of it is as letting a woman know what you find attractive about her other than her looks. No bullshit, either. Something you genuinely find intriguing/admirable/attractive about her, and it shouldn’t be a contrived process either (qualify 30 seconds post-attraction/pre-comfort, lol).

  3. First blog post i read from you and it’s exellent. I would
    like to add that trying hard to control the frame in itself is a
    subtle sign of chasing her too hard, and women subconsciously will
    know it and view you as kinda pathetic. However, being aware of the
    underlining frame is a good skill to have. If a girl is chasing me
    like crazy, i usually became even more relax and let her do all the
    work. Why put in the effort and ruin the dynamic and could
    potentially fuck it up. Let her put in the effort to make herself
    more attracted to you. Other than that, i agree trying to “NLP” her
    is retarded.

  4. I like that you don’t mindlessly follow community thinking. But you should not be too quick to dismiss it, either. In the world of science, the form of social proof called “preselection” is called “mate choice copying”.

    http://www.springerlink.com/content/rk654g71w4157862/

    “Given that humans are a social species with a high degree of sharing information, long-term pair bonds, and high parental care, it is likely that human females could avoid substantial costs associated with directly searching for information about potential males by mate choice copying. The present study was a test of whether women perceived men to be more attractive when men were presented with a female date or consort than when they were presented alone, and whether the physical attractiveness of the female consort affected women’s copying decisions. The results suggested that women’s mate choice decision rule is to copy only if a man’s female consort is physically attractive.”

    In other words, they found that guys were perceived as more attractive by women if they were seen with an attractive woman. As for women not noticing who you’re with, that’s not too plausible. You mean women don’t look around the venue to see if there are any hot guys? Very unlikely. And the study suggests a guys “hotness” is partly dependent on who he’s standing next to.

    Another study supporting preselection:
    http://articles.latimes.com/2007/jan/22/health/he-briefly22.1

  5. Hey Rob,

    Nice article – Ive been reading your stuff for some time, and I like the ‘raw directness’ of it all. Cool.

    I do have to disagree with on one point in this article: Social Proof.

    Ive been party hosting in Clubs for over 2 years now, and I usually party with anything from 10-15 hot chicks on my VIP table, and I can assure you it has boosted my success with women.

    I know your thinking this is is only cos I have easy access to chicks, but in fact 80% of the women I close in the clubs come from women outside my party group. In fact I often have those ‘outsider women’ remark how I seem to “have all those ladies on my table”, or I “live life like Tom Cruise” before I end up taking them home/ number/ kiss close etc.

    Dont get me wrong, I dont think I need this to get the chicks, but my vast experience has shown that social proof does add value, and does help to attract women. Ive noticed this in other scenarios too, and Im only saying it as I have had women repeatedly comment on this, so that’s my ‘evidence’ it does work.

    Looking forward to future material

    Peace

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