A few months back, I posted this as my Facebook status:
If you’re reading this, you probably received a text from me last night (or, technically, this morning). Just wanted to say: I meant every word. Seriously. Totally wasn’t the 7½ beers talking ;] #goodtimes #goodtalk #seeyaoutthere
As you’d expect, my friend list reacted with comments and feedback that broke down into five basic categories:
B. I’m concerned Rob may have a drinking problem…
C. WTF! Why didn’t he invite ME out!?
D. Now THAT’s how to fix coming on too strong!
E. Who cares what Rob is doing on Facebook…
Okay, so I’m willing to bet you 7½ beers that—if you had been on my friend list and saw that status—that, if asked to choose one of those five reactions, you would have chosen the WRONG response. Any by *wrong* I mean you aren’t fully understanding how this whole “dating apocalypse” thing works.
So I’m going to give you a chance to change your answer.
Reread my status and decide which reaction—A,B,C, D, or E—best describes why I’d knowingly—and willing—embarrass myself by making a public apology on Facebook for a drunk texting binge…
- Was it a way to show that I don’t care what other people think about me (Choice A)?
- Could it be a cry for help or a ploy for sympathy (Choice B)?
- Perhaps it was a way to flaunt status and social connections (Choice C)?
- Maybe it was a way to get back on equal footing after oozing too much interest (Choice D)?
- Or maybe—just maybe—it doesn’t matter at all and you really shouldn’t care what I’m posting on Facebook (Choice E)?
Here’s a hint…
The night (or morning) before I posted that status, I wasn’t out gallivanting all over town. In fact, I didn’t drink a beer—let alone 7½!
So what was I doing when all those all those gushy, booze-inspired texts were supposedly going out to anyone—and everyone—on my contact list? I was asleep, dreaming about this feisty little brunette, Lisa…
Unfortunately, the only place I saw Lisa anymore was in my dreams.
I know this is going to sound pathetic and hypocritical, but I was guilty of the same mistake I most often admonish other guys for making: I showed too much interest, too soon.
I stupidly listened to that little voice in my head—the voice Bobby calls “our inner dickless virgin”—which allowed me to convince myself, “Lisa’s different!”
- “I don’t need to use game on Lisa…because she’s different!”
- “I can’t take Lisa on my typical ‘first date’ (that almost always ends back at my place)…because she’s different!”
- “It’s okay to tell Lisa how much I like her…because she’s different!”
It only took a few weeks of that sort of thinking until the only thing “different” about Lisa became how she felt about ME. Once she thought she had me, once I became predictable to her, once I proved to be just another predictable guy for Lisa to add to her fan club, the chase was over.
Her feelings were gone.
It seemed I blew my chance…
…but NOTHING is ever really “over” (thankfully!)
While few guys probably guessed it, the answer that best describes my Facebook status is “D—Now THAT’s how to fix coming on too strong!”
You see, while Lisa may have been barely replying to my texts, I was still “friends” with her on Facebook. I could still reach her—albeit indirectly—through her newsfeed.
That means I could use my posts to get in her head: to raise questions, to get her wondering, to leave her feeling less sure she “has” me.
Case-in-point: I knew Lisa would assume she’d be the first person I’d send a drunken text. My status would make her realize that’s not the case. I was texting someone—in fact, a lot of people—the night before, but not her.
This gets Lisa wondering:
- Why didn’t he text ME?
- Did he feelings change?
- Why doesn’t he like ME anymore?
- And if he wasn’t texting me then…who WAS he texting?!
Once a girl starts having these thoughts, it always leads to the same conclusion:
Maybe I was wrong; maybe I don’t “have” this guy…
Sure enough, only a few hours after my Facebook post I got a text from Lisa:
sounds like you had a fun night. where did u go? and where was my text lol
Back in the game (success!).
What is “Real”
Not only did I revive my chances with Lisa, I also gained yet another “case study” for a controversial new tactic Bobby and I are calling “Gaslighting.” If you’re familiar with psychology, you know gaslightingLeaving women in a “grey-area” so they rethink or reimagine their previous preconceptions of you. This form of “gaslighting” is not intended to be abusive or hurtful; rather, it aims to invigorate a woman’s previously held assumption by way of creative unpredictability. is a form of mind-control that involves altering someone’s perception of reality.
While neither Bobby nor myself would ever advocate hurting or abusing women, if you understand how gaslighting works and couple that with the cultural and technological changes happening in the dating apocalypseA revolutionary shift in dating that resulted from the confluence of four major cultural shifts (a.k.a., the 4 horsemen of the dating apocalypse): the hook-up culture, the mobile culture, the evaluation culture, and the inequality culture., you get a leg up on every other guy out there.
This is YOUR chance to be the sort of man women chase, adore, and obsess over.
(Trust me, both Bobby, myself, and our private coaching clients have been using gaslighting for the last 6 months and women certainly aren’t complaining!)
In fact, a lot of pre-dating apocalypse dating advice and tactics share similarities with gaslighting. (Just think of “The Scrambler” from our Unlock course.)
As powerful as those tactics are, the Dating Apocalypse enhances them EVEN MORE because now you can CONSTANTLY monopolize a woman’s thoughts.
If a woman’s phone is in her hand, you can hold her attention. And when she puts her phone away, you will stay on her mind.
But, to do that, you have to learn the “new rules” of the game.
Just as you probably didn’t realize “D” was the answer, you probably aren’t taking a counter-intuitive approach to the dating apocalypse.
How many guys would really think to apologize for drunken texts (that they didn’t even send) in order to get a girl who slipped away?
If you want to use this pivotal moment in history to your advantage, you need to accept that traditional dating is dead and usher in the new area by adapting to the new rules of the game.