1. If you’re asking about this “one girl,” you already lost her
Very often dating instructors are mistaken for warlocks. There’s not a single dating instructor who can tell you how to salvage the situation with “that one girl” you can’t stop thinking about. It’s exactly like being 100 pounds overweight and asking a personal trainer, “What should I eat for lunch today that will get me sixpack abs by this evening?”
As absurd as it sounds, EVERY day for the last four years I’ve gotten at least two (and usually a lot more) emails asking me how to salvage a botched dating situation with “this one girl.” And EVERY guy thinks his situation is different, special, or unique. Look. Brutal truth: if you’re even ASKING about “one girl” then it’s already over.
Dating instructors, like personal trainers, only exist to elucidate the habits of attractive behavior so you won’t mess up with the NEXT girl.
2. It’s not your so-called “high standards” that’s stopping you from flirting with that “moderately cute” girl—it’s your pride
Now coming from someone who’s company is named “Date Hotter Girls” it’s tough for me to encourage guys to chase girls who they only find “so-so” or “moderately cute.” However, the vast majority of guys I’ve coached over the years have scoffed at the idea of approaching “somewhat cute” girls, insisting they only go for super hot girls.
Unfortunately, that’s where it gets tricky: once they finally spot a girl they deem acceptable for their flirting standards, they lack the competence to do it (and so usually defer from the approach altogether). In these situations, I’ve created a crass litmus paper test to deem if a girl is approachable: “If that girl was standing naked in front of you, would you feel even slightly aroused.” Answered honestly, most guys concede that even a “so-so” girl would arouse them in that scenario.
Thus, it’s not so much about having “high standards” (which almost every guy thinks he has, by the way) but rather it’s about having “too much pride.” Most guys aren’t afraid of approaching, flirting with, or even hooking up with a decently attractive girl; instead, they’re afraid of getting rejected by her. (Because that’ll ruffle their pride.)
Don’t make this mistake. Avoid the vicious paradoxical cycle of shying away from approaches due to “high standards” because you’re then going to shy away from approaching hot women due to “no experience.”
3. You could improve your appearance
Looks aren’t the only factor in dating, but they certainly are a factor. Even guys who consider themselves attractive often have a lot of room for improvement in their appearance. Whether it’s getting in shape, dressing better (and, yes, I’m advocating you invest in one very expensive, stylish outfit), improving your skin, or getting a haircut that better suits your face, there’s something to work on.
That’s not to say you need to be perfect, though perfection should be what you’re striving for. Most guys are around a 5-6 in looks, yet think they should be getting with girls who are 8’s or 9’s. The truth about male attractiveness is this: until you can yourself to a 7, studying dating advice is probably a waste of your time.
The good news is: becoming a “7” in looks in simply getting yourself to the point where you’re “not ugly.” That means you don’t have a fat or flabby body, you don’t have anything noticeably wrong with your teeth, you don’t dress like you’re in 7th grade, you don’t have some god-awful haircut, you don’t have any body odor, and you don’t have repulsive skin.
If you can simply get yourself to the point where you’re simply “not ugly” (which makes you a “7”), then you’ll see a return on investment for the time you put in studying dating advice. But until then, you’re just spinning your wheels (and your time is better spent working on your appearance rather than studying dating advice).
4. What you thought was an “epic encounter” probably wasn’t even a blip on her radar
A major, major, MAJOR issue most guys who study advice have is this: narcissism. In fact, it’s probably narcissism that drove you to study dating advice in the first place. By narcissism, I mean you probably believe that everyone is paying attention to your every move. Look. No one is analyzing you as if your life were a collection of ESPN Sportscenter bloopers and highlights.
Sorry to burst your self-important bubble but that girl you made out with Friday night at 2a.m. probably doesn’t remember you just like the girl who told you she’s a lesbian doesn’t remember you. Unless you do something absolutely incredible or atrociously bad, most people will probably only have vague (if any) memories of you and your quest to meet women. That comes with good news and bad news. The good news is you can stop worrying about all those bad approaches or thinking that people are labeling you as “that guy.”
The truth is, you’re not ANY guy to them. (And that’s because they’re too busy obsessing over their own narcissism.)
However, unfortunately, this also comes with some bad news. It means you have to stop playing and replaying those encounters in your head, microanalyzing every little nuance you had with that girl from the bar, that girl from work, that girl from wherever. Until you have sex with these girls, you’re hardly anyone of significance to her…and certainly not someone she’s putting much thought into.
5. If you’ve been weird all your life, dating advice isn’t going to help you
Now I know there’s introverts and shy guys who use dating advice to motivate them to get them out of their shell. And I’m not referring to those guys when I say “weird.” However, if you’ve gone through your life with very few friends and notice people avoiding you, or if you’ve been reported for “harassment” at work or whatever and you don’t understand why, or there are other telltale signs that you’re weird, then don’t look for answers in dating advice. Unfortunately, people who give dating advice are often mistaken for life coaches or, worse, therapists.
Most guys aren’t afraid of approaching, flirting with, or even hooking up with a decently attractive girl; instead, they’re afraid of getting rejected by her. (Because that’ll ruffle their pride.)
Dating advice cannot make you happy (or even normal) anymore than learning another language (or developing any other arbitrary skill) can make you happy. Working on an area of your life (like dating success) can create opportunities, which can lead to happiness, but it’s not a direct means to an end. Likewise, dating advice CANNOT (and I repeat CANNOT) cure your psychological or emotional issues.
I know it’s probably offensive to call people with such issues “weird” (though convenient for a blog post), but you have to realize: non-weird people don’t have serious issues. And it’s the non-weird people that dating advice is intended for. If you need professional help, dating advice will only exacerbate your issues. Make an appointment with a real therapist.
6. You need to value habits over goals
Whenever a guy hopes to improve himself, he usually sets a goal. For guys studying dating advice, those goals are often wanting to sleep with a certain number of girls, date a girl of a certain caliber of girl, or even do a certain number of approaches. While there’s absolutely nothing wrong with setting goals and desiring tangible success, goal setting alone isn’t incredibly effective for lifestyle changes. Rather than working toward a hard-and-fast goal, it’s better to examine the HABITS that will get you to that goal.
For example, some guys may want to have more sex. Rather than setting a goal like, “I want to have sex with 3 different women a month,” you’d be much better off developing a habit of getting physical faster or speaking in a more sexually-charged way. This is an over-simplified example, but hopefully you get the idea. Goals lead to short-term change, whereas habits produce lasting success.
Unfortunately I’ve seen guys sometimes hide behind goals, letting them use quantitative success to keep them from addressing the real issues holding them back. If fear of fast escalation is holding you back (to return to our example above), don’t measure success by how many girls you have sex with, but instead with the habits you’ve created for yourself that facilitate that goal.
7. You’ve GOT to stay on course (and not be swayed by the siren-song of “comfortable” solutions)
I’ve said it so many times, but I’ll say it again: don’t go off on tangents. So many guys go off on tangents in New York that it was actually the inspiration behind The 4 Elements of Game. Too often guys begin studying dating advice to “become better with women,” but get sidetracked in “trying to be more social” or “becoming more spiritually centered” or whatever other tangent becomes popular.
Sorry to burst your self-important bubble but that girl you made out with Friday night at 2a.m. probably doesn’t remember you just like the girl who told you she’s a lesbian doesn’t remember you.
Recently, I read a long treatise from a guy I know from New York who’s claiming the secret to becoming better with women is learning to act like “a supermodel 10” who doesn’t chase. The sad part is: plenty of guys were chiming in saying how “genius” this idea was. What I read is plenty of guys who want another tangent or excuse that will deliver them from facing their fears head-on. Getting better with women is about getting off your ass, approaching women, and hitting on them. It’s about sucking (and embarrassing yourself) for a fairly long period of time. And, eventually, getting decent at it.
You’re never going to reach a point where you “never get rejected.” You’re never going to reach a point where other guys are particularly happy that you’re hitting on girls. And you’re never going to reach a point where you can “act like a supermodel 10” and consistently get girls chasing you. If you whine that “cold approaching sucks” that’s fine, but then don’t expect to become good with women. There’s no other way around it.
And, if you try to get around it, you’re just going to send yourself off on a tangent that’s going to waste your time, energy, and money, and which will get you no closer to becoming successful with women.
8. Stop mistaking activity for productivity
The definitions are simple: activity is doing something; and productivity is doing something that moves you toward your aspirations. Reading this blog post is an activity. Going out is an activity. Approaching women is an activity. Facing your fears WHEN approaching women is productivity.
Every time you face a fear, you’re doing something PRODUCTIVE. If fear simply didn’t exist, dating advice would be reduced to a few short commandments: approach woman; speak from your passions; escalate physically; isolate her; lead and dominate; get sexual. That’s pretty much it. However, the reason hundreds of thousands of pages of dating advice has been written is because of the various fears each of those commandments elicits.
Be honest: the reason you’re reading this blog is because something is holding you back from becoming success with women. And that “something” isn’t some great intellectual idea you can’t comprehend—it’s your fear. And simply “doing something” isn’t enough to overcome that fear. That’s just an “activity.”
Get productive. Do things that confront your fear.
9. Finally, get over yourself
Stop taking yourself so seriously. And go meet women.