Empowered dating advice for men

Transform Yourself in 2017: Your Guide to Mental Strength [with 8 Exercises]

As 2016 comes to a close, you’re probably taking inventory on how you changed over the course of the last 365 days. Are you smarter? Happier? Fitter? Doing better with the ladies? When the only certainty in life is that we’re going to change—whether that change is good, bad, or ugly— the question only the brave are willing to ask of themselves is: are we getting better or worse?

Since you’re reading a blog on self-development, you’re probably one of those brave self-examiners, and so you don’t wait until the end of the year to ponder this essential life question. Like me, I’m guessing you chart personal growth day-to-day—maybe even an hour-to-hour. And so, that’s how I know that sometimes—when and if you’re being honest with yourself—you feel disappointed with your progress.

The only reason I know that is because I, too, sometimes feel disappointed in my progress. I know, shocking that someone who publicly and professionally gives advice on personal development is admitting to frustrations with his own development.

But it’s true.

And I’m not ashamed—or afraid—to admit it. I’m susceptible to distractions and disturbances that hold me back from transforming into a better version of myself. Like most people, I wake up with an unconscious checklist of what I SHOULD do throughout the day (so as to realize my fullest potential). While my ideal self would just go do all the things on that checklist for 12-14 unswerving hours, what happens in reality is a different story…

A Day in the Life of Rob

For me, a solid workday usually breaks down to something like this:

  • 3-5 solid hours of highly productive work
  • Another few hours of moderately productive work
  • A couple hours in neutral/downtime
  • And finally, (let’s be honest) an hour (maybe even a few hours) engaging in unproductive destructiveness

To put all that in more concrete terms, here’s a glimpse of what I did today as an example…

Things I want to DO/ACCOMPLISH:

  • Wake up at 6am
  • Run 10 miles
  • Write a motivating blog post
  • Make progress on the marketing for the updated 4 Elements of Game
  • Get in the gym for leg day
  • Read 60-90 minutes
  • Work on the graphics for a non-dating book I’m publishing
  • Practice drawing and guitar for 40 minutes
  • Stay on top of my emails/client obligations
  • Eat clean and healthy
  • Meditate
  • Organize my home office
  • Run some odds and ends errands (e.g., haircut, dry cleaning, refill a CO2 tank)
  • Set up and go on a date\

Things I wanted to AVOID:

  • Wasting time on pointless bullshit (social media, getting sucked into a clickbait vortex, engaging in pointless conversations)
  • Eating shitty/fattening food
  • Nitpicking minor details as an avoidance strategy (e.g., arranging and rearranging stuff in my house)
  • Overindulging in entertainment (e.g., listening to music, watching movies, reading garbage on the internet)
  • Spending money on stuff I really don’t need
  • Drinking alcohol without a purpose (such as a social event or date)
  • A million other stupid/bad habits I’m always staving off

Now, here’s how my actual day has progressed in reality (thus far as it’s 3:34pm at the time of this writing):

  • Woke up at 6am (highly productive)
  • Fucked around for about 30 minutes to avoid going out in the cold to run (unproductive)
  • Ran a slow 5 miles (moderately productive)
  • Had a healthy protein shake when I got home (highly productive)
  • Showered and listened to audiobooks/watched some Lynda courses (moderately productive since it was sort of a way to avoid doing real work)
  • Binged on Cheerios out of the box and marshmallows (highly unproductive)
  • Farted around my house for about 30 minutes (unproductive)
  • Told myself I was going to a café to do work but then decided to do errands instead (neutral because it was somewhat productive that I was ticking off a few of my “to-dos” but I also know it wasn’t super productive since I was really just trying to avoid more challenging work)
  • Ordered some bullshit off Amazon (unproductive)
  • Started writing this blog (highly productive)

As I mentally map out the remainder of the day, I hope to:

  • Get in another 5 miles on the treadmill (ideally while listening to an audiobook or watching a course)
  • Get in the gym for a leg workout
  • Work at least 90 minutes on marketing (I’ll even take 30 minutes at this point… I hate doing marketing haha)
  • Get in a few graphics for my side project book
  • Eat healthy for the rest of the day
  • Organize my house a bit (but not overdo it whereby using it as an excuse to put off other work)
  • Read for a bit
  • Meet up with a babe later in the evening

Will I get all that done? Of course not. I’m human after all. However, I’ll get SOME of it done… and that’s more than I would have gotten done 6 months ago. While I don’t think my productivity is overly impressive, and I’m sure there are some real go-getters out there who are underwhelmed by how I spend my day, I’m proud of the direction I’m moving toward. I can honestly say I’m better than I was yesterday, which is better than I was a week ago, which is better still than I was last year.

Think Big Picture Changes, Think Lifestyle Changes

While day-to-day changes are microscopic, if you string together 365 of them, then you absolutely will effect a lifestyle change. Hell, string together 90 day-to-day changes—or 60—or even just a solid 30!—and your life will be better.

So with that, I’d like to explain and then share my philosophy and accompanying exercises that I credit for any—and all—of the positive change I’ve been able to make in my life. When I think back on what I did to transform my love life, I realize it’s the exact same principles needed to transform my life in general.

It’s actually just two principles: when I examine all the positive change in my life—literally every single positive thing I’ve ever done for myself—whether it was with women or just becoming a better man, it was all because of these two things:

  1. Believing that positive change was possible/attainable
  2. The mental strength/toughness to pursue the tasks necessary for that change

Indeed, every time I fell short of my goals, every time I regressed and allowed myself to behave unproductively or destructively (e.g., today’s embarrassing Cheerio/marshmallow incident), it was because 1.) I felt demoralized about my goal (even if only temporarily) and/or 2.) I lacked the mental toughness to stay committed to the tasks I needed to complete in order to move closer to my goal. Of these two tenets, it’s most often mental weakness that derails and breaks most men—myself included.

What do I mean by mental toughness? I mean this:

Actively prioritizing stress/pain ABOVE pleasure/comfort for potential (but not definite) long-term results rather than indulge in instant (and thus definite) gratification.

Let’s look at a concrete example: when I finish this section, I’m going to take a break from writing and will have a choice to make:

  1. On the one hand, there’s a delicious 6-pack of in my fridge (Firestone IPA! One of my favorite beers) and it’d be easy for me to rationalize I’m “rewarding” myself after a relatively productive day by gulping down some brews, collapsing on my comfy couch, and watching some Netflix (I’m really into “Black Mirror” right now). I know with 100% certainty that this will be pleasurable, gratifying, and I can have it right now.
  2. On the other hand, I know I’d know my entire lifestyle would benefit if I had a more toned, athletic, and healthy physique. If I decide to work out and/or run on the treadmill, I know the next 30-60 minutes will be spent in discomfort (the pain and stress of lactic acid, elevated cardio, ect.). While the workout is a step toward my fitness goal, it’s still just a small step. One workout doesn’t change anything nor does it guarantee long-term results. In fact, it might just be a waste of time/energy/willpower if I don’t stick to my exercise regiment for at least 30-90 days.

You can see why everyone chooses exercise in theory, but only a few actually do it in reality. To be blunt, it’s because most guys are mentally weak. And like a muscle, mental strength doesn’t come overnight. You need to work at it, day-by-day, hour-by-hour. You need to constantly prioritize your long-term vision of yourself over ever-present, always-consistent pleasures.

Here’s what I’ve found invaluable to developing my own mental toughness:

Long distance running—Way back over a decade ago, when I first decided to actively work on improving my “relations” with women, I didn’t have a lot going for me other than decent verbal skills and a background as a distance runner (I started freshmen year of high school and ran through college and in my adulthood).

Distance running was critical to my success.

When you make running a habit (not a chore or a punishment), you’re going to develop a stoic outlook that will help you in all aspects of your life because you’re training your mental toughness.

I’ve done other “tough guy” sports like Crossfit and Muay Thai but nothing compares to running when it comes to mental toughness. That’s because you control your tempo in running and that tempo is relentless. In other words, you can slow down or speed up, you can push yourself or you can dog it. It really comes down to how much you’re willing to push yourself.

And make no mistake: there’s no downtime or rounds or place to hide in running. Unless you stop (and, in that case, you’re not running anymore), you keep yourself at the threshold of discomfort and pain.

The lessons you learn at that threshold and the mental fortitude it affords you are (literally) life changing.

Cold showers—I know it sounds stupid but starting my morning with a cold shower serves as a chilly reminder that I control how I react and not vice versa. Think about it: what do mentally weak people do when they step into a cold shower? The scream how cold it is and jump out of the shower.

And, sure, every morning that’s my initial reaction, too. However, when I just accept the feeling of cold water washing over my body for a few seconds, it stops being terrible and I actually kind of like it (it’s also GREAT for your skin and hair!).

Isometric exercise—admittedly I need to get back into doing this, but stuff like planking or wall sits (anything where you hold a position until you drop) trains you to recognize, “Hey, I can do this for another second, another 5 seconds, another 10 seconds…”

By breaking your pain into manageable chunks, you’re equipping yourself to deal with harsh situations in the real world.

Waking up early—I was talking to Bobby Rio about this earlier, but waking up early is something almost every successful person I know does, yet is also really, really fucking hard! Pulling yourself out of bed—especially when you don’t have to—is grueling, but if you can do it—and especially if you make it habit—you’re strengthening your mental resolve every morning.

Organization—the older I get, the more OCD I get, as well. However, I also believe it explains a lot of my ongoing success. I really believe having an organized work space (as well as a groomed, organized appearance) is works from the outside-in. The less disharmony and clutter your brain has to process, the more you can focus your attention on productive, important things.

Eating extremely spicy peppers—again, I know this sounds absurd, but like a cold shower, eating something like a habanero pepper sucks at first but eventually the suckiness subsides. However, if you react like a little bitch, it only makes it worse. Think about the life lesson there for a moment…

Focused work/practice in 45-minute spurts—even when we say we’re going to do “work,” how disciplined are we at doing just one thing—especially when it’s something we know we NEED to do but it’s hard for us (e.g., my struggles with marketing). All too often, we say we’re going to work on that “thing” but end up checking Facebook or other unproductive distractions or (at best) we do other easier—but less important—tasks rather than doing what we know we REALLY should do (e.g., my decision to “run errands” rather than bunker down with my laptop and do real work).

Everyone struggles with this, I think, and the best solution myself and a lot of the people whose success I admire have found is setting a timer and forcing yourself to do ONLY THAT THING for a set amount of time. It can be 20 minutes, 30 minutes, or however long you want it to be (but be realistic, 5 minutes won’t accomplish much and anything more than an hour is probably too long to maintain focus).

Point is this: Whatever that “high productive” thing you should be doing is, just fucking do it (for a focused 30 minutes or so)!

7 Quick & Dirty Tinder Tips for Taking Better Profile Pics

Everyone knows your Tinder profile picture is THE most important factor in whether or not you match with women on Tinder. However, most guys are clueless when it comes to what separates a good profile picture from a bad one (spoiler alert: it’s not looks). Below are 7 tips my team and I meticulously researched and found to boost the quantity (and quality!) of the women you match with on Tinder.

tinder-profile-picture-tip1

Tinder Profile Picture Tip #1: Crop or frame your picture from the waist up

  • Your picture should show your face at either frontal or three-quarter angle with your facial expression clearly visible
  • Anything closer is overwhelming; anything further doesn’t show enough of your face

tinder-profile-picture-tip2

Tinder Profile Picture Tip #2: Facial expressions convey personality (so choose wisely)
  • Most guys don’t consider that women on Tinder are trying to discern their personality through facial expression
  • Realize this: until she meets you in real life, she’s going to deduce the sort of man you are largely form the look on your face
  • Pick a photo where your facial expression is not only flattering, but also conveys PERSONALITY (example: a playful smirk conveys an easygoing disposition)

tinder-profile-picture-tip3

Tinder Profile Picture Tip #3: Make sure your background isn’t distracting
  • The focal point of your picture should be you and you alone
  • Thus, choose a background that’s either blurred out or a solid color
  • The easiest way to do this is by taking a picture in front of something that’s a solid color (e.g., a white wall)
  • A picture with a backdrop of something interesting, such as a foreign country, will work as a secondary picture but produces less matches when used as a primary profile picture
  • Remember: women are swiping through Tinder to see GUYS—and most women are swiping fast; she should be able to see your attractive qualities in a split second WITHOUT distractions pulling her attention away

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Tinder Profile Picture Tip #4: Wear something that frames your face with a “V-shape”
  • If you look at men’s fashion, you’ll find sharp “V” lines in most timeless pieces (sports coats, anything with a traditional lapel, neck ties, shirt collars, ect.)
  • The sharp lines of a V-shaped garment enhances a man’s look because it makes his face look sharper and more angular, which is a masculine and attractive look
  • Garments with rounder curves (like crewneck t-shirts) soften the angles of the face, which usually leads to a softer, less attractive look
  • Whether it’s a jacket, v-neck, or a button-down shirt left partially open, choose an outfit that frames your face with at least one V-shape

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Tinder Profile Picture Tip #5: Harness the power of layering your clothes
  • You don’t have to look like a male model to match with gorgeous women as long as you look fun, ambitious, or interesting
  • What sort of guy
  • Think of what you wear as a “uniform” and then choose clothes and accessories that convey an attractive masculine trait that’s congruent to your lifestyle
  • Have the confidence to pick clothes to make you stand out! It’s better to be extreme—even polarizing—rather than dress in a bland, boring way
  • Remember: your profile picture needs to capture a woman’s attention in a split second on Tinder (that means you gotta go big!)
  • By dressing in layers, you have more opportunities to choose accessories, patterns, and colors that fit the “uniform” of the sort of man you want her to see you as
  • Example: the ambitious man might consider a broad-shouldered, double-breasted suit jacket complemented by a Windsor-knotted necktie

tinder-profile-picture-tip6

Tip #6: Pick colors that flatter your hair, eyes, and skin tone
  • Make sure you’re flattering your unique physical features using colors with the proper CONTRAST
  • While there’s a lot to consider when it comes to flattering colors unique to you, the quick dirty is this:
    • The way your hair and skin tone contrast each other should be mirrored in the contrast of your clothes (e.g., a pale-skinned, blonde hair guy is “low contrast” and so he should avoid outfits with “high contrast” such as black suit/white shirt)
    • Consider your skin tone when choosing the layer of clothing layer closest to your skin (usually your shirt); when in doubt, go blue (flattering to most men’s skin) and avoid green/yellow
    • If you want to bring out your eye color, pair them with an accessory that is either a shade or two lighter (e.g., blue eyes with a turquoise scarf) or an opposite, complementary color (e.g., green eyes and a purple pocket square)

tinder-profile-picture-tip7

Tinder Profile Pic Tip #7: Avoid rookie mistakes
  • In your profile picture, make sure it’s clearly a picture of YOU (no group pictures, even if it’s you a woman…ESPECIALLY if it’s you and a woman!)
  • Don’t use selfies (if you’re going to be your own photographer, use the time-delay feature on your camera or phone instead so it looks like someone else took your picture)
  • Unless you’re looking to attract a very specific type of girl, avoid any picture that shows your partaking in vice or “bad behavior” (e.g., drug use, smoking, gambling, ect.)
  • More subtle mistakes of the same ilk include: cropping group pictures and showing you doing activities that aren’t necessarily “wrong” but can be an instant turn-off to certain women (e.g., shooting at a gun range)

If you found that useful then I’d recommend picking up my “Match Multiplier Report” for exploiting Tinder’s algorithm. If you’re not getting matches, there’s a VERY good chance it’s not even your fault. Most people don’t know this, but Tinder is controlled by an “algorithm” that factors in things like your activity, Facebook friends/interests, location, ect.

Often guys aren’t matching with women because they’ve done something that lowered their “Tinder score” (this score isn’t made public but it’s widely understood that Tinder uses an internal ranking system that dictates matching). To help guys increase their “score” (and thus their matches), I wrote a short report that’s only available until tomorrow (December 23rd) at midnight.

Check it out by clicking this link: http://masterhermind.com/multiplier2/

Quick Conversation Tip: Say This, Get Girls [Video]

If you knew exactly what to say to get a woman laughing or excited to talk to you, how much easier would your life be?

Whether meeting a girl for the first time or talking to your long-term girlfriend, you’d always come off polished, charismatic, and attractive.

Moreover, the days of getting stuck making “small talk” or desperately trying to think of what to say would be long gone. So, if you have 5 minutes and 32 seconds to spare right now, I have a conversation tip for you…

Let’s face it: the “gift of gab” eludes most men. All-too-often guys find themselves playing “conversational ping pong” with women (see animation below).

You ask her a question…

…she answers. She asks you a question…

…you answer.

The conversation is nice.

The conversation is polite.

And the conversation leads leads straight to the FRIEND-ZONE.

Sound familiar?

Don’t worry; we’ve been there! We know how frustrating it can be to want your conversations with women to be fun and flirty, yet not know how to take it there. But there’s good news…

After much trial and error (emphasis on the error), we discovered the cure for “conversational ping pong.” Say goodbye to small talk because the solution is so effortless and simple, you’ll be a conversational stud in no time.

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The Secret to Attractive Conversation is…

On the surface, talking to a woman is about getting to know her, and letting her get to know you. While that’s pretty obvious, there’s a RIGHT and WRONG way to do it.

WRONG WAY TO TALK TO WOMEN: Make the facts of each other’s lives the focus of the conversation.

EXAMPLE

She says:

So, where did you grow up?

He says:

Right near the Jersey Shore. How about you?

She says:

Long Island

He says:

Cool.

While sharing facts is a necessary part of getting to know someone, facts alone ARE NOT ATTRACTIVE! It doesn’t get her INVESTED in the interaction because there’s nothing fun or interesting or exciting about an answer like, “I grew up near the Jersey Shore.”

It’s up to YOU to get her invested.

Make her want to get to know you! To do this, you need to inject personality into your answers. If you grew up near the Jersey Shore, how can you make that answer interesting or funny?

RIGHT WAY TO TALK TO WOMEN: Make the focus of the conversation what’s ENTERTAINING about the facts of each other’s lives (e.g., share anecdotes, quirky opinions, and funny stories about your life)

(BETTER) EXAMPLE

She says:

So, where did you grow up?

He says:

I grew up in a little beach-front village on the Atlantic. It’s home to an indigenous tribe of people who have their own reality show. You may have heard of it…it’s called…the Jersey Shore. They have this tribal dance. It’s called the fist-pump.

She says:

No way! I’m from Long Island and we totally invented the fist pump!

Notice how adding just a couple humorous details about growing up near the Jersey Shore changes the course of the conversation. It sidesteps the monotony of back-and-forth questions and answers.

An answer like this keeps the interaction from feeling like a job interview. Instead, it becomes about getting to know each other’s PERSONALITY, which is so much more fun and entertaining than straight facts.

How To Do It (Explained)

Here are three steps to take any “normal” fact about your life and turn it into a playful conversation:

  1. Think about questions you’re usually asked on dates
  2. Consider how you usually respond
  3. Take your responses a step further—what’s interesting or funny about your answer?

For example, if a woman asks about your family, you may be tempted to list your siblings or mention your relationship with your parents, but where’s the fun in that? Instead, why not share something humorous or entertaining about your family life.

Telling a woman that your dad is like “the white version of Carl Winslow” is way better than some generic fact she probably won’t even remember. Comparing your dad to a zany, hot-tempered character from a ‘90s sitcom injects personality into your answer. It conveys so much more than a bland fact.

…where’s the fun in that? Instead, why not share something humorous or entertaining about your family life.

Better yet, it sets a vibe that will be way more attractive.

Now, it’s your turn. Start brainstorming ways you can add personality when talking about aspects of your life. Not only will this make you exponentially better at talking to women, it’ll also loosen her up. She’ll feel comfortable revealing more about her personality, as well.

I guarantee you’re going to enjoy what comes next…

Welcome to the GREY AREA: Playing the Game Effectively

Love it or hate it, let’s just accept it: attracting women is a game. Thankfully, once you know the rules, you’ll know how to get the next hot woman you meet. Even more important than knowing how the game is played, you must understand how the game is WON.

Rule of the Game: DO NOT let her know how you feel about her right after you’ve met

Giving away too much, too soon makes her think she “has” you. You come off too predictable, too much of a sure thing. It lets her lump you into a category like:

  1. Another guy who wants me
  2. Another guy who likes me
  3. Another guy I have in the palm of my hand

You never want to end up in one of these categories. In fact, you never want to be in any category. If she can put you in a category, she thinks she has you all figured out. You’ll seem less fun and exciting to her, which is the same as saying less attractive.

Most women can figure out a man within minutes. That’s because most guys telegraph how interested they are in really obvious ways, like:

  1. Overtly kissing her ass
  2. Begging for her approval
  3. Trying to impress her (bragging)
  4. Agreeing with everything she says
Rule of the Game: NEVER turn into a girl’s social media fan

Liking or commenting on her Instagram and Facebook posts WILL NOT improve your chances. Just the opposite, you’re making it abundantly clear you have her up on a pedestal. If you become her social media fan, DO NOT pass Go, DO NOT collect $200, and DO NOT expect anything more than frustration and rejection!

Sometimes a guy will tip his hand in less obvious (but equally unattractive) ways. Some of the more subtle mistakes you can make with a woman are when you’re:

  1. Too available (via phone, text, or in person)
  2. Willing to cancel plans with your buddies for her
  3. Too agreeable and/or nice
  4. Always ready to do her favors

While subtle, once a woman notices a guy doing stuff like this, it’s game over. Don’t be surprised when she moves onto a guy she’s less sure about, one who seems like more of a challenge. In the next section, you’ll learn how you can be that challenging, sexy man.

Uncertainty is a “magic” word when it comes to keeping a woman interested.

The less certain a woman is about a guy, the more she’s in “THE GREY AREA,” trying to figure him out. Keep her guessing and you’ll stay on her mind because she’s constantly wondering, “Does he like me? He usually texts back within minutes, but I haven’t heard from him in over a day? What’s going on? Maybe his feelings changed…?”

When it comes to women, remember this simple equation:

The more uncertain she is about your feelings = the more she thinks about you = the more value she places on you

A woman will WORK to win over a man she values. It’s so much better if a woman feels she’s EARNED your time, attention, and approval rather than just having it handed to her.

When she starts WORKING to WIN YOU OVER you’re WINNING THE GAME! That’s the IDEAL situation to be in with ANY woman. She loves it, too. Women enjoy the game! It ignites her desire to win (you over).

Lucky for you, that usually means getting dolled up in her sexiest outfit. Enjoy! She’s hoping to get your attention. A win-win situation, for sure!

Rule of the Game: Avoid always trying to lock down your next date ASAP

A simple—but highly effective—way to introduce a healthy dose of uncertainty is to put on a poker face at the end of a date. The next time you and a woman spend an enjoyable evening together, the predictable move would be to immediately try and make future plans with her.

Don’t be so easy to figure out! Try saying this instead:

Okay, see you soon.

It will drive her CRAZY. Your nonchalant attitude will get her wondering if she’ll ever see you again and keep you on her mind—EXACTLY what you want.

She’ll go home questioning herself:

Did he have a good time?

Maybe he didn’t like my outfit. I knew I should have worn my sexy black dress!

Does my breath smell?

Rule of the Game: Vary the time you take to respond to her texts

Additionally, avoid being too predictable with your texting. While you don’t have to be too drastic, if you usually respond to her texts within minutes, sometimes wait a few hours—or even days—to respond.

When she’s on YOUR time, you’re on HER mind. THAT’s how the game was meant to be played!

How Sloppy 3AM Texts Melted an Ice Princess (not what you think)

A few months back, I posted this as my Facebook status:

If you’re reading this, you probably received a text from me last night (or, technically, this morning). Just wanted to say: I meant every word. Seriously. Totally wasn’t the 7½ beers talking ;] #goodtimes #goodtalk #seeyaoutthere

As you’d expect, my friend list reacted with comments and feedback that broke down into five basic categories:

A.Look at this idiot embarrassing himself

B. I’m concerned Rob may have a drinking problem…

C. WTF! Why didn’t he invite ME out!?

D. Now THAT’s how to fix coming on too strong!

E. Who cares what Rob is doing on Facebook…

Pop Quiz

Okay, so I’m willing to bet you 7½ beers that—if you had been on my friend list and saw that status—that, if asked to choose one of those five reactions, you would have chosen the WRONG response. Any by *wrong* I mean you aren’t fully understanding how this whole “dating apocalypse” thing works.

So I’m going to give you a chance to change your answer.

Reread my status and decide which reaction—A,B,C, D, or E—best describes why I’d knowingly—and willing—embarrass myself by making a public apology on Facebook for a drunk texting binge…

  • Was it a way to show that I don’t care what other people think about me (Choice A)?
  • Could it be a cry for help or a ploy for sympathy (Choice B)?
  • Perhaps it was a way to flaunt status and social connections (Choice C)?
  • Maybe it was a way to get back on equal footing after oozing too much interest (Choice D)?
  • Or maybe—just maybe—it doesn’t matter at all and you really shouldn’t care what I’m posting on Facebook (Choice E)?

Still unsure?

Here’s a hint…

The Backstory

The night (or morning) before I posted that status, I wasn’t out gallivanting all over town. In fact, I didn’t drink a beer—let alone 7½!

So what was I doing when all those all those gushy, booze-inspired texts were supposedly going out to anyone—and everyone—on my contact list? I was asleep, dreaming about this feisty little brunette, Lisa…

Unfortunately, the only place I saw Lisa anymore was in my dreams.

I know this is going to sound pathetic and hypocritical, but I was guilty of the same mistake I most often admonish other guys for making: I showed too much interest, too soon.

I stupidly listened to that little voice in my head—the voice Bobby calls “our inner dickless virgin”—which allowed me to convince myself, “Lisa’s different!”

  • “I don’t need to use game on Lisa…because she’s different!”
  • “I can’t take Lisa on my typical ‘first date’ (that almost always ends back at my place)…because she’s different!”
  • “It’s okay to tell Lisa how much I like her…because she’s different!”

It only took a few weeks of that sort of thinking until the only thing “different” about Lisa became how she felt about ME. Once she thought she had me, once I became predictable to her, once I proved to be just another predictable guy for Lisa to add to her fan club, the chase was over.

Her feelings were gone.

It seemed I blew my chance…

…but NOTHING is ever really “over” (thankfully!)

While few guys probably guessed it, the answer that best describes my Facebook status is “D—Now THAT’s how to fix coming on too strong!”

You see, while Lisa may have been barely replying to my texts, I was still “friends” with her on Facebook. I could still reach her—albeit indirectly—through her newsfeed.

That means I could use my posts to get in her head: to raise questions, to get her wondering, to leave her feeling less sure she “has” me.

Case-in-point: I knew Lisa would assume she’d be the first person I’d send a drunken text. My status would make her realize that’s not the case. I was texting someone—in fact, a lot of people—the night before, but not her.

This gets Lisa wondering:

  • Why didn’t he text ME?
  • Did he feelings change?
  • Why doesn’t he like ME anymore?
  • And if he wasn’t texting me then…who WAS he texting?!

Once a girl starts having these thoughts, it always leads to the same conclusion:

Maybe I was wrong; maybe I don’t “have” this guy…

Sure enough, only a few hours after my Facebook post I got a text from Lisa:

sounds like you had a fun night. where did u go? and where was my text lol

Boom.

Back in the game (success!).

What is “Real”

Not only did I revive my chances with Lisa, I also gained yet another “case study” for a controversial new tactic Bobby and I are calling “Gaslighting.” If you’re familiar with psychology, you know gaslighting is a form of mind-control that involves altering someone’s perception of reality.

While neither Bobby nor myself would ever advocate hurting or abusing women, if you understand how gaslighting works and couple that with the cultural and technological changes happening in the dating apocalypse, you get a leg up on every other guy out there.

This is YOUR chance to be the sort of man women chase, adore, and obsess over.

(Trust me, both Bobby, myself, and our private coaching clients have been using gaslighting for the last 6 months and women certainly aren’t complaining!)

In fact, a lot of pre-dating apocalypse dating advice and tactics share similarities with gaslighting. (Just think of “The Scrambler” from our Unlock course.)

As powerful as those tactics are, the Dating Apocalypse enhances them EVEN MORE because now you can CONSTANTLY monopolize a woman’s thoughts.

If a woman’s phone is in her hand, you can hold her attention. And when she puts her phone away, you will stay on her mind.

But, to do that, you have to learn the “new rules” of the game.

Just as you probably didn’t realize “D” was the answer, you probably aren’t taking a counter-intuitive approach to the dating apocalypse.

How many guys would really think to apologize for drunken texts (that they didn’t even send) in order to get a girl who slipped away?

Exactly.

If you want to use this pivotal moment in history to your advantage, you need to accept that traditional dating is dead and usher in the new area by adapting to the new rules of the game.

Men’s Dating Advice: The Top 7 Biggest Hunks of Bullshit VERSUS the Most Helpful Nuggets of Gold

A question I’m constantly asked is whether I feel it was necessary that I went through all the “bullshit” dating advice before I arrived at my simplified philosophy. And my answer is always, “I really don’t know.” Who can really say whether or not the bad advice helped me in some bizarre, roundabout way?

Regardless, as I was drifting off to sleep last night, I was thinking of all the things I once did that were just a complete waste of time. For me, I only got into dating advice for one reason: to get better at dating women. I didn’t want self-help. I didn’t want a Tony Robbins-style personal transformation. I didn’t want to become more spiritual. I just wanted to be happier around women, and feel more confident interacting with them.

As such, I realized there were 7 things I did that really wasted my time and added months—if not years—to my learning curve. Before I reveal these 7 things, let me just put out a disclaimer to the haters and critics: THIS IS MY SUBJECTIVE OPINION. These are 7 things I found to be useless. These 7 things may very well be life-changing for other people; however, for me, as a guy who just wanted to become better with women, I found these 7 hunks of bullshit to be absolutely ridiculous and unhelpful.

Although, since I don’t just want to rip apart bullshit advice without offering an alternative, I’ve also supplemented each hunk of B.S. with its corresponding nugget of gold. In other words, I found my time much better spent when I shifted my focus from the B.S. to the gold nuggets. Before I detail each, here’s the 7 B.S. versus gold faceoff:

  1. Become egoless (B.S.) VS lose your pride (GOLD)
  2. Do affirmations (B.S.) VS eat healthy (GOLD)
  3. Worrying about “value” (B.S.) VS having fun (GOLD)
  4. Dehumanizing people (B.S.) VS listening (GOLD)
  5. “Faking it till you make it” (B.S.) VS owning your personality (GOLD)
  6. Thinking of “what to do” (B.S.) VS thinking of “how to react to what you do” (GOLD)
  7. Wanting to “win over the room (B.S.) VS wanting to “win over the girl” (GOLD)

Alright, let’s zoom in and detail EXACTLY what each of these 14 concepts entail…

Complete Bullshit
  1. Becoming egoless—There’s this myth in men’s dating advice that becoming “egoless” will somehow make you a popular ladies’ man. Hilariously, however, all the guys I know who are actual ladies’ men have HUGE egos. In fact, their egos are often what make them attractive! Trying to become “egoless” is just a long road of mental masturbation that has absolutely no relevance in becoming better with women. Don’t waste your time with this nonsense…
  2. Doing affirmations—Standing in front of a mirror telling yourself how awesome you are won’t make you awesome. Sorry. It won’t. You build your self-esteem and confidence through experiences in the real world. Reading an affirmation list won’t help you in any measurable way when it comes to actually meeting real women.
  3. Quantifying social interactions in terms of “value”—What most dating instructors call “value” I just call bullshit. There’s no videogame score counter that follows you around qualifying your “value” to the people in the room. Most likely, women won’t even notice you until you actually approach them. And even then, no one is judging you based on the “value” you bring. This is a really stupid term in the dating advice niche that makes men neurotic, yet has absolutely no practical application. Stop worrying about “value.”
  4. Dehumanizing people—Most dating advice is predicated on dehumanizing women and men. The fact we can’t even call a woman a woman is seriously disturbing to me (instead we call them “HBs,” “targets,” or whatever else is popular these days). Moreover, the fact you can’t call your friend a friend is even more disturbing (instead he or she is your “wingman” or “pivot”). The best way to inspire a human emotion in people (a.k.a. attraction) is by treating people like humans.
  5. “Fake it till you make it”—I see it all the time: nerds trying to act cooler than they really are. There’s absolutely nothing worse than a guy who’s trying hard to act cool. Rather than just accept themselves and work within the parameters of their personality, many students of men’s dating advice attempt to “fake it until they make it.” Unfortunately, these guys are just going to spend all their time “faking it”…
  6. Thinking of attraction in terms of “what to do”—So many of the questions and concern I hear from guys (especially guys who are newer to dating advice) revolves around “what to do” around women. As my philosophy on “damage control” espouses, it’s really not so much about what you do, but rather it’s about HOW YOU REACT TO WHAT YOU DO. Worrying about “getting it right” is a complete waste of your time.
  7. Win over the room—As Jon Sinn astutely pointed out, many gurus in the dating advice industry are attention-whores (it takes a certain personality type to become a guru). As such, their insecurities bled into their teachings. Just because some guru thinks it’s important to “work a room” doesn’t mean it actually has any relevance in the real world. Getting attention won’t win you attraction—and it definitely won’t win you over the girl you like.
Complete Gold
  1. Losing your pride—Unlike losing ones ego, losing your pride will DRAMATICALLY help you become better with women. While the successful guys I know may have huge egos, they also don’t let their pride get in their way of approaching women. So many guys sabotage their success with women because they put so much damn pride in trying to be perfect. Get over yourself. Drop your pride. Approach women. Risk failure.
  2. Eating healthy—You know what WILL make you feel really good all day: EATING HEALTHY. Seriously, eating a clean (ideally raw) diet will give you everything affirmations promise: gives you energy, makes you feel good about yourself, and increases your focus and concentration. Rather than sitting in front of your mirror every morning, use that time to put together a healthy meal plan for the day. You’ll feel awesome for it.
  3. Enjoying yourself and having fun—The “fun factor” of meeting women should be totally obvious, yet it’s completely understated in this industry. If you’re not having fun meeting women then not only will you burn-out fast, you’re also going to seem unattractive to the women you’re approaching. Nothing is less fun than thinking about “value” while out meeting women; instead, recognize the fun of interacting with women—for your own mental wellbeing, if nothing else.
  4. Listening—Again, another seriously understated concept in men’s dating advice. Listening is the exact opposite of dehumanizing someone. If you’re actively listening to another person (a guy or girl), you’re fully recognizing them as a human being. And guess what: that’s an attractive behavior. So stop thinking of people in terms of HBs, targets, or even wingman. Listen to them and consider what they’re saying (instead of just thinking of what you’re going to say next).
  5. Owning your personality—As much as people often don’t like to hear this, you shouldn’t change too much of your personality to become better with women. Often men refuse to accept aspects of their personality, and so they try to “fake” new personality traits in a lame attempt to impress women. That time would be much better spent developing a rock-solid confidence in who you are. If you’re a skinny nerd who likes HTML code (like me haha), you’re much better off OWNING that rather than trying to “fake” being a club promoter or rock star. Please don’t confuse this advice with me giving you license not to work on yourself—I’m just saying work on YOURSELF…which is the opposite of becoming someone other than yourself.
  6. Thinking of attraction in terms of “how you react to what you do”—A common and hilarious conversation I often have with my friends who are awesome with women is this, “How I recovered from this idiotic thing I did.” So many guys think “the game” is played in what you do, but in actuality it’s really played in how you react to what you do. In all honesty, you can do or say pretty much anything to women IF you have the confidence to handle the “fallout” afterwards. I call this concept “damage control” and it’s pretty much the “cheat code” of becoming attractive to women.
  7. Win over the girl—So many guys overlook the most important aspect of dating advice: actually interacting with the girl in front of them. Guys often get sidetracked with all sorts of nonsense (such as the 7 B.S. points listed above) that they forget that their end goal is simply attracting a girl they find hot. If you want to shave YEARS off your learning curve, focus solely on the girl (what we call getting in touch with your DRIVE). Let all the other nonsense, like “obstacles,” “AMOGs,” or whatever else is diverting your attention fall away. An effective pickup is only about two people: you and the girl.

How to be a Successful Student of Men’s Dating Advice

Sometimes I feel like a fortuneteller. I can often tell a guy’s future. I can tell how a guy’s is going to progress, what sort of girl he’s going to end up with, and how happy he’ll most likely be.

But I don’t know this by some mystical magic ball or an enchanted set of tarot cards. No, my augurs come from something much less exciting…

If you’re wondering what to do in a certain situation, with a certain girl, at a certain time, chances are you have the wrong attitude.

I can tell by the questions he asks me.

Any Questions?

As someone who gets bombarded with questions every day on email, Facebook, Tweeter, and the like, I’ve begun to see patterns. In general, the questions I receive usually fall into two categories:

  • Temporary fixes
  • Long-term gains

For example, a temporary fix question might be, “How can I attract this girl in my class?” Long-term gains, on the other hand, are questions like, “How can I keep myself motivated to keep meeting women?” Just about every question anyone’s ever asked me has fallen into those 2 categories.

Not only do I get a lot of these questions on the internet.com, I also get peppered with these sorts of questions on my live programs (obviously). Often students want to know the best way to approach a certain girl or what to do in a certain situation.

While I can completely understand why my student would ask that, I also know the answer I want to give him won’t make him happy. I want to tell him that it doesn’t really matter that much.

While I could teach guys temporary fixes, ultimately it’s like when Wile E. Coyote runs off a cliff in Looney Tunes. Wile E. Coyote will keep running until he notices there’s no solid ground under him, then he’ll plummet into the canyon below. Likewise, I could give guys a long string of “quick fixes” but eventually there’s going to come point—maybe 2 minutes into an interaction or maybe 2 weeks into a relationship—where he doesn’t know what to do. Then, like Wile E. Coyote, he’s going find himself helplessly plummeting…

That’s why I’ve distilled my entire teaching philosophy down to 2 sets of core principles: 4-EG and F.E.R.A. While this blog post isn’t the forum to detail those principles, I mention them because they emphasize long-term gains rather than quick fixes.

As a teacher, I feel I have a responsibility to focus most of my material on long-term gains. But, likewise, as a student, you have a responsibility (to yourself) to put the majority of your attention into long-term gains, too. If you’re wondering what to do in a certain situation, with a certain girl, at a certain time, chances are you have the wrong attitude. (And, the brutal truth is: chances are that if you’re thinking about that stuff, then you’ve already blown it with that girl or situation anyway.)

Fortune Teller…

I know this may sound obvious, but like I said, I can often foresee a guy’s future success or failure based solely on the questions he’s asking me. If he’s asking me stupid-ass, short-term questions, I know it won’t matter how well I teach him—he’s still going to fail.

That’s because he has the wrong attitude.  As the old cliché goes, you can lead a horse to water…

…likewise, you can take a guy to a nightclub, you can tell him everything he needs to know about meeting women, yet if that guy can’t see the forest for the trees, and can’t stop getting emotionally and intellectually hung up in every single girl he encounters, then he’s never to succeed with women. Ever.

I could give guys a long string of “quick fixes” but eventually there’s going to come point—maybe 2 minutes into an interaction or maybe 2 weeks into a relationship—where he doesn’t know what to do.

So let this short post serve as reminder: reorient your thinking. Don’t be another fated failure because you can’t get over your pride and risk a few rejections. You’re not going to breeze through this journey without some friction and embarrassment. There’s a reason the failure rate is so incredibly high in this industry: because the price of your pride is fucking expensive. (It’s even more expensive than Annihilation Method!)

Your pride is what causes you to ask stupid-ass, short-term questions. It’s the pride you put into never letting yourself fail—not even once. Fuck that. Unless you want to set yourself up for a LIFE OF FAILURE, learn to focus on the long-term gains. Ask the questions that will bring you success 3 months from now, not 3 minutes from now.

Be a stud, not a Wile E. Coyote.

Why I Hate Neil Strauss: An Essay

I Had to Write This

Neil Strauss is the worst. I’m not name-calling, bickering, or launching some underhanded smear campaign.  Strauss is the worst because he’s the lowest form of human—he’s a betrayer of trust. In Dante’s Inferno, traitors occupy the lowest ring of hell. And such would seem an appropriate place for someone who has betrayed so many well-intentioned men.

Now let me address the fan-boys, whiners, and critics right off the bat. This essay isn’t about smashing on “negs” or calling out his homoerotic fashion sense. While that stuff is entertaining as unintentional comedy, this essay is serious. Because it addresses a serious issue: it’s a critique of someone who has fucked you over.

Moreover, for all you self-proclaimed business experts who are going to say this “doesn’t help my business” or accuse me of “secretly trying to marketing myself,” please take your opinion and shove it up your ass. All I have to say to you is:

1.)   Everything I write should be considered “marketing” since I sell information products. It’s not a big secret: every time you read an anything from me—whether I’m writing about how to improve your appearance or slamming on Neil Strauss—it’s marketing. (For further clarification, please listen to Tool’s “Hooker with a Penis”)

2.)   According to my ethics, it would be wrong of me NOT to write this essay. Just as my personal philosophy of meeting women dictates it would be rude of me not to approach attractive women, I categorically apply that same “action-based” approach to every aspect of my life. It’d be rude if I didn’t publically smash Neil Strauss,

At first, Neil Strauss simply annoyed me. I spent a fruitless year trying things I read in “The Game” only to look and feel like an idiot. Aside from a few flaky phone numbers and getting a couple girls giggling, my tangible success with women really didn’t increase much.

Regardless of whether he feels bad about it or not, his bullshit is finally catching up to him.

I didn’t understand women better.

I didn’t feel more confident.

I didn’t appreciate women more or understand how to relate to them.

I didn’t even feel good about myself.

The only thing I really learned was how to make myself sound cool to other men on the Internet. (Which, I later realized, is the pinnacle of Neil Strauss’ “game.” But I digress…)

Because, like I said, the time I wasted and the embarrassment I endured only annoyed me. Plenty of people have given me bad advice in the past, and I’m not writing public essays about how I hate them.

With Strauss though, my hatred began to simmer as I became more involved in instructing. It’s easy to forget the human emotion that drives guys to seek out dating advice when you just give the industry a cursory glance. If you’re only looking at this industry from the vantage point of a web browser, it’s easy to overlook the pain, despair, and loneliness boiling beneath it.

But every guy who studies this stuff has his story. All of those stories begin with pain.

The more involved I got with instructing, the more stories I heard. Like so many things in life, once I heard those stories, I couldn’t unhear them. I couldn’t just look at the dating advice community from the detached vantage point of my Internet browser.

No.

The stories stuck with me. The stories resonated with me. And, ultimately, the stories motivated me. Regardless whether you think I’m an asshole, believe what I teach is “wrong,” or just enjoy hating me, what you can’t say is that I don’t put my blood, sweat, and tears into my products. I slave over every minute detail of everything I sell.

Some People Actually Give A Damn

I say that, however, without an ounce of pride. I don’t invest so much of myself because I’m some incredible workaholic or a noble perfectionist. I’m not. But I do have a conscious. And, since I can’t unhear the stories I’ve heard, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I felt I wasn’t delivering my absolute best every time I accept money for my advice.

To me, that money represents time. It represents the time it took to earn it, and the time it will take to consume and apply the product. In essence, the people who buy my products trust me with a chunk of their life.

That’s sacrosanct.

Bash on capitalism all you want, but the bond forged between a buyer and seller is a sacred bond of trust. In my case, the buyer puts his trust in me to deliver a product that’s effective, well produced, and fairly priced.

That’s sacrosanct.

The buyer invests his time so that he can alleviate his pain, despair, and loneliness. I truly believe that every guy who makes that investment deserves success, deserves happiness, and certainly doesn’t deserve to be scammed.

A Fraud and Scammer

But Neil Strauss doesn’t see it that way. And I can prove he doesn’t with two words:

Annihilation Method.

For those who don’t know what I’m taking about, the Annihilation Method is the elephant in the room that no one ever mentions. Essentially, it was a $4,000 DVD home study course of poorly produced and rehashed talking-head videos and some abysmal infield footage (not of Neil, of course…but of him “critiquing” his students).

The product was notoriously awful—yet commanded the highest price point of any DVD product in this niche. It was an abomination. And it was indisputable proof that Neil Strauss betrayed your trust. He knows your story, yet he decided to shovel you shit anyway while taking a significant chunk of your life ($4,000!).

Perhaps that product has grated on Neil’s conscious. Maybe that’s why he never mentions it, nor does he still sell it. Regardless of whether he feels bad about it or not, his bullshit is finally catching up to him. He betrayed men across the world with nonsense and an “infallible guru” persona, and now the consequences of those lies are coming back to haunt him. People who aren’t his ass-sniffing sycophants are openly calling him out for the fraud and the traitor that he is.

And we’re just getting warmed up.

Oh, and it’s not just Neil. Every shitty instructor who wants to make a quick buck is on notice. Things are falling apart. People are starting to see through the bullshit.

There are plenty more guys like me. Plenty more normal guys who don’t give a fuck about being seen as a “guru.”

We’re too normal. And that normalness prevents us from standing around silent while traitors like Strauss profit off your pain.  It prevents us from putting out shitty products for $4,000.

No.

Our normalness is why we understand you. Our normalness is why we hear your stories and can’t unhear them. We can’t unhear your stories because the pain that inspired them is the same pain we felt when we started studying dating advice.

And to sell you anything less than our best would wear too much on our conscious.

It’d be betrayal.

It’d make us a traitor—like Neil Strauss.

Approach Anxiety: He Made Out with the Android Second…

His Phone Was His Wingman

He made out with the ugly girl first.

I’d told him to approach the redhead he’d been eyeing all night. Tom gazed at me with his glassy blue eyes, and then nodded. He took a deep breath, turned, and made his way toward her. The redhead was reclined against the pool table, her tits pressed tightly against her retro t-shirt, and she had a bored look on her face.

Right as Tom was within earshot of her, he turned to the girl standing next to her: the short, chubby booze-bag girl. I palmed my face in frustration. Here was a guy who had everything going for him—a guy that women would love. Yet he’d admitted to me that he’d only dated “5’s and 6’s” because hot women intimidated him.

I chugged my beer as I watched the abomination by the pool table unfold. Of course the chubby booze-bag loved him…he was way out of her league! As Tom spoke to her, the booze-bag’s face lit up and she clawed him.

Then, boom. They were making out. (Yuck.)

As soon as Tom could pry himself away, he walked back over to me dripping in shame.

“She was nice,” Tom muttered, looking at his shoes, “Sorta.”

“Dude…” I began, not knowing where to even begin.

The Stakes
Later, Tom and I ended the evening at a diner. In between mouthfuls of a cheeseburger, Tom spilled his reservations to me. Maybe it was the beers we’d had at the bar, but for a half-hour straight he blabbed in a stream-of-consciousness way everything that was holding him back from approaching hot women like the redhead by the pool table.

I realized that Tom, like most guys, didn’t lack confidence. He didn’t lack a love of women. Nor did he lack the drive to do it.

What guys like Tom lack is an understanding of what’s at stake. Maybe you can relate. How many times have you shied away from an approach, because you didn’t consider, “What’s at stake?” It’s so common to blow things out of proportion and lose sight of what counts.

In less abstract terms, it’s easy to get caught up in worrying over what other people are going to say or think, how embarrassed you’ll be if the girl rejects you, or a million other things that really don’t matter at all.

Because as you’re thinking about all those things, the girl walks away. And it’s then—then!—that you realize that you could have handled the snarky comments from haters or the possibility that she wouldn’t like you—but what you have a hard time swallowing is knowing that you did nothing at all.

You acted like a pussy. And you pay for it with regret.

Like Rocky and Mick

I hate seeing guys like Tom go through life settling for those “5’s and 6’s.” That’s the entire reason I became a dating coach to begin with—to get guys dating the girls they REALLY want.

And that’s why I agreed to put together a custom curriculum for Tom.

I promised to throw everything I knew at him to get him over his approach anxiety. After countless nights probing his thoughts and watching him shy away from approaching, I finally figured out exactly how to get “inside his mind” so that approaching wasn’t a burden—it was a reflex.

I edited and rewrote several of my best essays, made them into PDF’s, and sent them to Tom. These essays defined the “mindset for success,” “motivation maxims,” “the right attitude,” even “the choice” he has to make internally before he ever sees a girl. Essentially, I shined a spotlight on “the stakes” and let Tom see the situation for what it was.

No more blowing things out of proportion. No more letting his imagination get the best of him. No more regrets.

Ayo Technology

As Tom studied the essays, he still had some jitters while out.

“I feel motivated when I read the PDFs,” he explained, “But when I’m out, it seems like I forget everything.”

That’s when I realized I could put my curriculum in Tom’s pocket. Using my nerd skills, I spent weeks in the Batcave creating a cell phone app. At first, I just put my core “approach anxiety” curriculum on it. But later I expanded it to include a journal, video seminar clips, and even checklists to prepare for a night out of meeting women.

I whipped it up in HTML5, called it “ApproacHER,” and sent Tom a beta version. Excited, he told me to meet up him later that week. It was going to be the moment of truth.

When I met Tom out and found him checking his phone.

“What do you think,” I asked.

He didn’t even bother to answer; instead, he breezed right by me and approached a stunning girl by the bar. Within minutes, she was claw at him just like that chubby booze-bag had only a few weeks prior.

I pumped my fists in triumph. Tom understood the stakes.

Just the other day, I made the ApproacHER app that I gave to Tom available for Android. If you, too, would like to overcome your approach anxiety and have a tool to coach you through those nerve-wracking moments when you see a hot girl, checkout “ApproacHER” for Android!

Checkout ApproacHER for Android!!!

Why Most Guys Prefer Pickup Skills over Women, or the Hidden Secret of Playing to Your Strengths

I Confess

Before I delve into dating, let me digress for a moment. I want to confess something…

I suck at sports.

I’m uncoordinated. I don’t have much leg speed. And my body seems unable to accept the “proper form” of any sort of sports movement—from the wrist flick of a jump shot to the elbow snap of a golf swing.

I suck.

For most of my life, I had to endure my suckiness at sports as the last pick in a street hockey game or the benchwarmer for the junior varsity baseball team. Even worse, my circle of friends loved playing the always-embarrassing game of one-on-one basketball. Here my athletic inadequacy was put on center stage as my opponents enjoyed “showboating” their way to big wins at my humiliating expense.

Whenever I hear guys bragging about “AMOGing” other dudes or how they blasted into a “really hard set,” I hear guys who are doing pickup to do pickup—and who are NOT out to actually meet women

Finally, when I reached high school, I discovered a sport I was not only good at—that I actually excelled in. That sport was the masochistic pastime known as long distance running. Unknown to me for the first decade and a half of my life, my legs were brimming with slow-twitch muscles that could churn out 4 minute and 30 second miles.

Each day after school, I’d blast out 10 mile runs or persevere through long series of half mile sprints. I quickly developed my heart, lungs, and legs to a super-human level. I ran at the New York State Cross Country meet, I qualified for the all-city championship team, and I eventually won a scholarship to a Division 1 college.

Not only that, I transferred my “endurance skills” to other aspects of my athletic endeavors. Notably, I began winning one-on-one basketball games. In fact, I went undefeated. Even though I still sucked at basketball, I now found I could beat just about anyone by running back and forth across the court. If my opponent didn’t follow me, I’d drive to the hoop for an easy lay-up. If he did guard me, I could completely exhaust him within minutes, making winning a cinch.

Now obviously this “style of play” drew criticism. People accused me of playing “cheap,” they said I was turning a basketball game into a track meet. When I’d ask them to explain what was “cheap” about that, they’d scream, “You’re taking the fun out of the game! We’re supposed to be playing basketball!”

Playing to Win

My retort to my critics was always: “I don’t play basketball to ‘play basketball,’ I play basketball to win.” And, now that I’m a dating instructor, my feelings haven’t changed in the slightest. I have the exact same attitude when it comes to meeting women: “I don’t do pickup to ‘do pickup,’ I do pickup to hookup with chicks.”

Sounds obvious, right? Well, the vast majority of guys I meet do pickup to ‘do pickup.’ Sometimes I wonder if these guys are even trying to actually hookup with chicks. A huge criticism of the “Pickup Community” is its rabid glorification of “pickup skills,” and its de-emphasis on actual women.

Whenever I hear guys bragging about “AMOGing” other dudes or how they blasted into a “really hard set,” I hear guys who are doing pickup to do pickup—and who are NOT out to actually meet women. There was a period where I too went through this phase, where I felt I needed to approach every girl, where I felt I needed to prove the size of my “balls” by going into “hard sets,” where I was convinced I needed to antagonize guys to improve my “pickup skillset.”

In fact, if you ever use the phrase “pickup skillset” in a non-ironic way, you probably glorify pickup skills way too much. It always amazes me how I (and other guys) got so sidetracked with “pickup skills” rather than focusing on what counts: WOMEN! Ask yourself this: If you could execute the PERFECT PICKUP in front of all your pickup friends but NOT have sex with the girl you picked up, would you choose that over having sex with a girl you picked up BUT WERE NEVER ABLE TO TELL ANYONE ABOUT IT?

You may think that question is ridiculous, but what do most “pickup community” guys do when they pick up a chick? RUN ONLINE TO WRITE ABOUT IT. And most of the time these “reports” read like an ESPN highlight reel of PUA Power-plays. Frame control! AMOGs! Genius openers! Going caveman, brah!!!

That shit is gay—both figuratively and literally.

If you didn’t get into “the pickup community” to impress men, do what works. Play to your strengths. Don’t worry if you’re not “doing pickup.” Remember my retort to my exhausted critics on the basketball court: “I don’t play basketball to ‘play basketball,’ I play basketball to win.” For me, basketball isn’t fun—winning’s fun.

It always amazes me how I (and other guys) got so sidetracked with “pickup skills” rather than focusing on what counts: WOMEN

Likewise, you shouldn’t do pickup to ‘do pickup’—do pickup to hookup with chicks.” Hopefully to you, pickup isn’t fun either—hooking up with chicks is fun. So start acting like it—even if “the critics” have a problem with it.