Match investment with investment.

Any time two people interact (be it a relationship or otherwise) there’s an “investment” of time, attention, validation, trust, money, mental energy, etc. Most people aren’t cognizant of this, which is a huge mistake.

Over investing yourself is de-valuing yourself. People who have de-valued themselves often play the victim, bemoaning how much they did, how hard they tried, how the other person failed to recognize all they had to offer…

Yet, they sowed the seeds of their own misery by not making people earn their time, attention, validation, trust, money, mental energy, ect. In other words, they failed to match investment with investment. It’s basic economics, supply and demand. Scarcity equals value.

So, look at everything you’re doing—from how available you are to the length of your text messages—and compare that with how much you’re getting back. If the scale is skewed, and you’re the one investing more, you know why the relationship is “unrequited.”

Thus, the question isn’t how to avoid “entering” an unrequited relationship; instead, you should be asking: How do I ensure a relationship is requited? The answer comes down to YOU. It’s YOUR responsibility. Place a higher value on yourself and don’t invest in someone who isn’t invested in you.

CAVEAT

This advice may seem “obvious” but it actually runs counter to the cultural narrative, which has invented excuses for over-investment like, “Follow your heart!” Often people use this as a convenient rationalization for throwing themselves at another person.

Conversely, when I tell people I’m a dating coach (and I give advice like “match investment with investment”) I’m often met with the familiar balk of critics, “Isn’t that playing games? I’d rather just be myself!” What they’re really saying is: I just do whatever the hell I’m comfortable with and don’t really care about giving the other person an experience that they’ll find attractive or rewarding.

At the end of the day, matching investment with investment isn’t a “game.” It’s an exercise in self-respect. Just because you find someone attractive doesn’t mean you should shower them with your time, attention, validation, money, etc. Don’t those things hold value to you? What has this other person done to deserve it?

Thus, don’t write off what I’m saying just because it’s uncomfortable. Discomfort is the point! The reason over investment is feels “comfortable”—like you’re just “being myself!”—is because that’s what the cultural narrative tells you. However, if your love life isn’t aligned with your own sense of happiness and wellbeing, then guess what: the popular cultural narrative isn’t working for you!

So, either resolve to do things differently or keep repeating your mistakes…