A question I’m constantly asked is whether I feel it was necessary that I went through all the “bullshit” dating advice before I arrived at my simplified philosophy. And my answer is always, “I really don’t know.” Who can really say whether or not the bad advice helped me in some bizarre, roundabout way?
Regardless, as I was drifting off to sleep last night, I was thinking of all the things I once did that were just a complete waste of time. For me, I only got into dating advice for one reason: to get better at dating women. I didn’t want self-help. I didn’t want a Tony Robbins-style personal transformation. I didn’t want to become more spiritual. I just wanted to be happier around women, and feel more confident interacting with them.
As such, I realized there were 7 things I did that really wasted my time and added months—if not years—to my learning curve. Before I reveal these 7 things, let me just put out a disclaimer to the haters and critics: THIS IS MY SUBJECTIVE OPINION. These are 7 things I found to be useless. These 7 things may very well be life-changing for other people; however, for me, as a guy who just wanted to become better with women, I found these 7 hunks of bullshit to be absolutely ridiculous and unhelpful.
Although, since I don’t just want to rip apart bullshit advice without offering an alternative, I’ve also supplemented each hunk of B.S. with its corresponding nugget of gold. In other words, I found my time much better spent when I shifted my focus from the B.S. to the gold nuggets. Before I detail each, here’s the 7 B.S. versus gold faceoff:
- Become egoless (B.S.) VS lose your pride (GOLD)
- Do affirmations (B.S.) VS eat healthy (GOLD)
- Worrying about “value” (B.S.) VS having fun (GOLD)
- Dehumanizing people (B.S.) VS listening (GOLD)
- “Faking it till you make it” (B.S.) VS owning your personality (GOLD)
- Thinking of “what to do” (B.S.) VS thinking of “how to react to what you do” (GOLD)
- Wanting to “win over the room (B.S.) VS wanting to “win over the girl” (GOLD)
Alright, let’s zoom in and detail EXACTLY what each of these 14 concepts entail…
- Becoming egoless—There’s this myth in men’s dating advice that becoming “egoless” will somehow make you a popular ladies’ man. Hilariously, however, all the guys I know who are actual ladies’ men have HUGE egos. In fact, their egos are often what make them attractive! Trying to become “egoless” is just a long road of mental masturbation that has absolutely no relevance in becoming better with women. Don’t waste your time with this nonsense…
- Doing affirmations—Standing in front of a mirror telling yourself how awesome you are won’t make you awesome. Sorry. It won’t. You build your self-esteem and confidenceThe permission you grant yourself to remain comfortable in uncomfortable situations. through experiences in the real world. Reading an affirmation list won’t help you in any measurable way when it comes to actually meeting real women.
- Quantifying social interactions in terms of “value”—What most dating instructors call “value” I just call bullshit. There’s no videogame score counter that follows you around qualifying your “value” to the people in the room. Most likely, women won’t even notice you until you actually approach them. And even then, no one is judging you based on the “value” you bring. This is a really stupid term in the dating advice niche that makes men neurotic, yet has absolutely no practical application. Stop worrying about “value.”
- Dehumanizing people—Most dating advice is predicated on dehumanizing women and men. The fact we can’t even call a woman a woman is seriously disturbing to me (instead we call them “HBs,” “targets,” or whatever else is popular these days). Moreover, the fact you can’t call your friend a friend is even more disturbing (instead he or she is your “wingman” or “pivot”). The best way to inspire a human emotion in people (a.k.a. attraction) is by treating people like humans.
- “Fake it till you make it”—I see it all the time: nerds trying to act cooler than they really are. There’s absolutely nothing worse than a guy who’s trying hard to act cool. Rather than just accept themselves and work within the parameters of their personality, many students of men’s dating advice attempt to “fake it until they make it.” Unfortunately, these guys are just going to spend all their time “faking it”…
- Thinking of attraction in terms of “what to do”—So many of the questions and concern I hear from guys (especially guys who are newer to dating advice) revolves around “what to do” around women. As my philosophy on “damage control” espouses, it’s really not so much about what you do, but rather it’s about HOW YOU REACT TO WHAT YOU DO. Worrying about “getting it right” is a complete waste of your time.
- Win over the room—As Jon Sinn astutely pointed out, many gurus in the dating advice industry are attention-whores (it takes a certain personality type to become a guru). As such, their insecurities bled into their teachings. Just because some guru thinks it’s important to “work a room” doesn’t mean it actually has any relevance in the real world. Getting attention won’t win you attraction—and it definitely won’t win you over the girl you like.
- Losing your pride—Unlike losing ones ego, losing your pride will DRAMATICALLY help you become better with women. While the successful guys I know may have huge egos, they also don’t let their pride get in their way of approaching women. So many guys sabotage their success with women because they put so much damn pride in trying to be perfect. Get over yourself. Drop your pride. Approach women. Risk failure.
- Eating healthy—You know what WILL make you feel really good all day: EATING HEALTHY. Seriously, eating a clean (ideally raw) diet will give you everything affirmations promise: gives you energy, makes you feel good about yourself, and increases your focus and concentration. Rather than sitting in front of your mirror every morning, use that time to put together a healthy meal plan for the day. You’ll feel awesome for it.
- Enjoying yourself and having fun—The “fun factor” of meeting women should be totally obvious, yet it’s completely understated in this industry. If you’re not having fun meeting women then not only will you burn-out fast, you’re also going to seem unattractive to the women you’re approaching. Nothing is less fun than thinking about “value” while out meeting women; instead, recognize the fun of interacting with women—for your own mental wellbeing, if nothing else.
- Listening—Again, another seriously understated concept in men’s dating advice. Listening is the exact opposite of dehumanizing someone. If you’re actively listening to another person (a guy or girl), you’re fully recognizing them as a human being. And guess what: that’s an attractive behavior. So stop thinking of people in terms of HBs, targets, or even wingmanA buddy who is usually also interested in meeting and attracting women and accompanies you when out meeting and attracting women. A good wingman will add to an attractive vibe and keep you positive. Most often, guys link up with a wingman when cold approaching women in night game.. Listen to them and consider what they’re saying (instead of just thinking of what you’re going to say next).
- Owning your personality—As much as people often don’t like to hear this, you shouldn’t change too much of your personality to become better with women. Often men refuse to accept aspects of their personality, and so they try to “fake” new personality traits in a lame attempt to impress women. That time would be much better spent developing a rock-solid confidenceThe permission you grant yourself to remain comfortable in uncomfortable situations. in who you are. If you’re a skinny nerd who likes HTML code (like me haha), you’re much better off OWNING that rather than trying to “fake” being a club promoter or rock star. Please don’t confuse this advice with me giving you license not to work on yourself—I’m just saying work on YOURSELF…which is the opposite of becoming someone other than yourself.
- Thinking of attraction in terms of “how you react to what you do”—A common and hilarious conversation I often have with my friends who are awesome with women is this, “How I recovered from this idiotic thing I did.” So many guys think “the game” is played in what you do, but in actuality it’s really played in how you react to what you do. In all honesty, you can do or say pretty much anything to women IF you have the confidence to handle the “fallout” afterwards. I call this concept “damage control” and it’s pretty much the “cheat code” of becoming attractive to women.
- Win over the girl—So many guys overlook the most important aspect of dating advice: actually interacting with the girl in front of them. Guys often get sidetracked with all sorts of nonsense (such as the 7 B.S. points listed above) that they forget that their end goal is simply attracting a girl they find hot. If you want to shave YEARS off your learning curve, focus solely on the girl (what we call getting in touch with your DRIVEMotivation to actively approach and interact with women. When a man has a driven mindset, he will fearlessly—and shamelessly—pursue his goals and aspirations. (In the context of dating, that would be a woman he finds attractive.)). Let all the other nonsense, like “obstacles,” “AMOGs,” or whatever else is diverting your attention fall away. An effective pickup is only about two people: you and the girl.