1. “I Make My Own Porn”

I remember exactly where I stood when I heard it. I was in 7^th grade. I was walking through the hallway of the science wing and passing by a group of older kids, cooler kids. These were the “popular” kids.

As I approached the huddled mass, I caught a snip-it of a question: “…going to get porn?”

Then, he said it. A freshman named Dan Beck, already a notorious seducer at the ripe of fifteen, sneered. The crowd went silent as he prepared to speak the words that would forever color my perception of cool. He said,

Why would I need porn? I make my own porn.

I knew the statement was important, even at the time, in spite of my inexperience regarding all things sexual. I recall very few memories from middle school as vividly as that one, at how fucking cool Dan Beck seemed as he spat those five words.

For over a decade I’ve carried that sentence with me—I make my own porn—as a barometer. Surely there are finer and more worthwhile endeavors than “making one’s own porn,” though I can’t claim to have discovered many. In that one sentence, in that idea of manufacturing a sex life so incredible that it surpasses one’s need for porn, I found a pretty damn good yardstick for a life well lived.

It’s not that chasing girls was the only thing that gave my life meaning. I had plenty of other interests then, as I have had throughout my life. Yet the fairer sex always seemed to make those interests more interesting.

Let’s be honest: having a great sex life is like 53.467% of having a great overall life. Bad as things may be in your day-to-day life, if you can go home to a woman—or women—who truly gratifies your sexual desires, everything else seems pretty okay. Conversely, no matter how great things may be going for you in every other aspect of your life, if you aren’t sexually satisfied, you won’t feel satisfied in general.

2. The Great Chase

Years later, I was at a barbeque. This must have been right around the time I’d graduated college, as I remember feeling vaguely adult. I may or may have been wearing a collared shirt and the discussion was probably something vaguely adult—like our office jobs or where we hoped to be living in 10 years.

As the night wore on, and the beer caught up to us, a friend of mine clapped me on the shoulder and gave me some life advice. I remember he sneered, just like Dan Beck had sneered, but what he told me was the exact opposite of “I make my own porn.” He explained to me that I was too caught up in chasing women, and admonished,

Life Isn’t Some Big Pussy Chase.

“Well,” I thought, “That’s news to me.” That was the exact thought I had at that moment: Life not being some big pussy chase is, in fact, news to me. Back then, I wasn’t some bizarre Internet dating instructor and, moreover, I wasn’t even good with women. I was just some hopeless idiot who got his heart broken repeatedly, yet didn’t really seem to mind.

I know my friend had my best interests at heart, yet I knew what he said was wrong. Very wrong. If I wasn’t spending my time pursuing women, then what was I spending my time doing? Nothing that seemed very interesting.

It’s not that chasing girls was the only thing that gave my life meaning. I had plenty of other interests then, as I have had throughout my life. Yet the fairer sex always seemed to make those interests more interesting. Writing is so much better when writing about women (hence this blog). Learning to play the guitar is so much more enjoyable when mixed with women. Even having a conversation is much more interesting when that conversation is with or about a girl.

I’m sorry, maybe I’m still that hopeless idiot, but I just love women. And Dan Beck’s quote—while vulgar and aggressive—betrayed a love of women, too. A common question I’m asked is how long does it take to become better with women. Usually, before I can even respond, I can already sense there’s an expectation. That expectation is that I’m going to list off a timeline, a flowchart, or some other measure the effort and time involved in becoming successful with women.

While I could answer the question that way, I prefer not to. It’s not that I blame the questioner for wanting a concrete answer, but it’s just that I don’t understand how someone could pursue this area of their life as if it were gaining 10 pounds of muscle or studying for a college degree. It’s not. In my opinion, learning to become more successful with women is probably the best way to spend your time. So why try to quantify it?

More importantly, what’s the alternative? Live life without a woman you’re excited to have sex with? Resort to (actual) porn to get your sexual satisfaction? That isn’t a life well lived. That’s boring.

Bad as things may be in your day-to-day life, if you can go home to a woman—or women—who truly gratifies your sexual desires, everything else seems pretty okay.

Perhaps I was lucky because I was fortunate enough to overhear someone perfectly summarize my definition of “good living.” Yet, I feel even luckier that I had such a visceral reaction to my friend’s admonishment that I shouldn’t be living my life in pursuit of women.

In that moment, when I felt shocked and confused, I knew I had the motivation to change my fate with women. For me, living a life without women isn’t really living at all. That’s always been what has driven me to take action, even when I sucked. Do you have the same Drive? Ask yourself this: do you sympathize more with the guy who’s proud to make his own porn, or with those who warn against the perils of the “great pussy chase?”

That answer alone will dictate how you fair on this journey.