They say you never get a second chance to make a first impression; well, to any guy who believes that, I say you don’t stand a chance with women—or at least not the sorts of women you want. Don’t get me wrong, first impressions do matter. Just not the way you probably think…

Rewrite the Script

Picture the typical scenario. Cinematic fade-in to a grocery store, produce aisle, where two star-crossed singles serendipitously reach for the same avocado. Their hands brush, their eyes lock, and the sparks fly a la just about every romantic comedy ever made. It’s a scene so common that Hollywood invented a cloying name for it—“meet-cute”—to  describe that adorable moment of initial encounter.

For hapless nice guys and rom-com junkies, meet-cutes matter. For them, first impressions are important—crucial even—because, after all, you never get a second chance to make one. However, as a dating coach, I see this approach as fundamentally flawed…

You see, I’m not a fan of clichés. I’d rather get my advice from reputable sources, namely psychology and real-world experience. What they tell me is that first impressions shouldn’t aim to impress; instead, they should elicit cognitive dissonance.

Cognitive dissonance, by definition, refers to the discomfort we feel when holding conflicting beliefs or attitudes. It’s an uneasy sensation, sure, but it’s also an incredibly powerful one. It keeps us on our toes, pushes us to reassess our perceptions, and most important of all, keeps us thinking. Specifically, it gets us thinking about another person…

Women have Two “Types”

In the realm of romance, women often describe their “type” in terms of characteristics. If you’ve been on tinder lately and read a few bios, you know what I’m talking about. Women say they want a guy who’s tall, athletic, successful, charming—the list goes on. However, these characteristics only describe the type of guy with whom they feel instant chemistry.

There’s another type of man who’s never on a woman’s list, yet she falls for him all the same: the guy who manages to keep himself on her mind. In other words, the guy who constantly challenges a woman’s perception of him. I learned this the hard way back in college. (Pun intended, as you’re about to see…)

The Library Tramp

As you can imagine, I was your typical red-blooded, college freshman, scampering across campus with my head on a swivel. My gaze constantly panned from one cute co-ed to the next, making me something of a collector of mini infatuations and silent crushes.

Among them was a quiet, bookish sophomore who worked in the campus library named Erin. Maybe it was the way she organized those Dewey Decimal cards or her nerd-chic glasses, perched on her nose like a studious little owl. Whatever it was, like my other crushes, I conjured up a story in my head about Erin. The plotline of which was simply a matter of deduction: she was the genteel girl-next-door who could tutor you in French and probably had a strict morning routine…

And, if it wasn’t for cognitive dissonance, that’s where Erin’s story would end since I never actually spoke a word to her. (Keep in mind, I was clueless with women back then.) Had I’d not seen Erin that night, at that party, I probably wouldn’t had given her a second thought outside the library. I probably wouldn’t have even remembered her name, let alone be writing a blog post about her some 20 years later…

But, what I saw that night, at that party, changed everything…

It was one of those run-of-the-mill wild campus parties, the air was thick with the scent of cheap beer and the beats of questionable music. Amidst the chaos, I recognized Erin from across the room but holy fuck, did she look different.

Gone were the prim and proper clothes, replaced by a halter top/jean shorts combo so tight and revealing, there was absolutely no question she wasn’t wearing underwear.

This was such a 180 from the Erin I knew, Library Erin, had it not been for those nerd-chic glasses, I would have been convinced it was someone else. But, there they were, the telltale glasses, which—somehow—made her look even sexier.

My eyes were glued, my head reeled. As if she knew, as if she sensed my astonishment, she turned around, showing her back to me, and blew whatever was left of my flabbergasted mind. The halter-top displayed a generous eyeful of Erin’s bareback, which was intricately marked by a butterfly tattoo sprawled across her lower back.

Library Erin…has a tramp-stamp?! I thought out loud, dumbfounded, completely dumbfounded.

My jaw dropped to the beer-soaked floor, along with any preconceived notions I had about the vixen formally known as Library Erin. The tramp-stamped lady girl across the room was a badass, perhaps even a bit naughty, slutty. All it took was a turn of her back and Erin completely shattered the story I’d constructed in my head, freaking me the fuck out. My brain went into overdrive, questioning everything I thought I knew…

And guess what? I loved it.

The more I thought about it, the more Erin-obsessed I became. Such a simple thing—a butterfly tramp-stamp—uprooted the image I had of her, hinting at another layer, another side of her (i.e., cognitive dissonance). Suddenly, she went from “cute library girl” to an onion with layers waiting to be peeled. (And let me tell you: I fantasized about peeling them!)

In the days that followed, I couldn’t stop thinking about Erin. That butterfly tramp-stamp became the nagging thought I couldn’t shake. I’d space out in class, lost in thoughts of Erin’s secret wild side. She was like an itch I couldn’t ignore so I scratched and scratched and loved every scratching second of it…

All at once, Erin monopolized my thoughts, consumed all my mental energy. She was an enigma, a woman begging to be unraveled, which made me all-the-more infatuated; I became obsessed with Erin. (And, truth be told, still think about her from time-to-time—even though I never mustered the courage to speak a word to her!)

Peeling the Onion

This experience, while mundane and wildly unspectacular, hammered into me an invaluable lesson: First impressions shouldn’t aim to impress, but to set the stage for a deepening intrigue. Contrary to popular belief, a strong first impression isn’t about ticking all the boxes. Instead, it’s more important that you get a woman intrigued, curious, even a bit confused.

Challenge her perceptions and she’ll love you for it—literally.

Whenever I explain cognitive dissonance (and how to use it), I begin by showing the old, familiar optical illusion of the rabbit and the duck. When you look at the illusion, you either see a rabbit or you see a duck—but you can’t see both. Yet, both are always there. Likewise, there are contrasting—seemingly paradoxical—layers to your personality and identity, as well.

Take, as an example, when I moved to Las Vegas in early 2013. Back then, I had a secret I tried to hide from the women I was meeting, which was that I was a single-dad. I figured it would lead girls to stereotype me as a corny, middle-aged guy who drives around in a minivan and shops at the Gap.

But then a funny thing happened…

When Worlds Collide

One night I was out with this girl, Mandy, who I’d met through my social circle. I’d had my eye on Mandy for a while but it was like pulling teeth trying to get her out. When she (finally and reluctantly) agreed, we agreed to meet for drinks where she told me as soon as I sat down why it had been such a headache to get her out. Eyeing me with suspicion, she said…

“Look. I know what you do, I know that you’re a player. And, to be honest, I’m not looking for that. We can have a few drinks and chat. Just don’t get your hopes up.”

I shot her back a smirk and settled in for an interesting evening but, before I could even respond, my phone buzzed. Glancing at the lock screen, I saw a message from my daughter’s babysitter:

“Hey! So sorry! An emergency just came up and I need to go! Is there any way you can come back?”

Before I even had a chance to finish read the text, the babysitter was calling. My phone buzzed on the bar top. Mandy rolled her eyes. “You gonna answer that?” Mandi dared, her voice sharp and annoyed.

“Um,” I stammered, thinking it over. I knew I was fucked either way. Ignore the call and Mandy will assume it’s one of my “hos” calling; answer the call and unmask myself as Single Dad…

Fuck.

Since it seemed urgent, I answered, and instantly any hope I had of keeping my dad-life a secret was dashed. The babysitter’s voice was frantically loud, telling me some jumbled story about her mom being rushed to the hospital, which ended with her screaming, “WHAT SHOULD I DO ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER?!” loud enough for the whole bar to hear.

I told the babysitter not to worry, that I was on my way home, and stood up to leave. Without thinking, I gave Mandy a sheepish look, shrugged, and said, “Sorry. It’s my daughter. I gotta run…” It wasn’t until I was halfway home that I realized my cover was completely blown now. Not only did Mandy know I was a single dad, but she was probably going to tell all the other women in my social circle, as well. Might as well start looking at minivans, I thought to myself in despair.

And, sure enough, a few days later my fears were confirmed at a Halloween party. Not only did every girl there seem to know I had a daughter, they were all eager to talk to me about her. A bunch of hot girls in their early-20’s who worked as cocktail waitresses and strippers peppering me with questions about dad-life. It seemed like my worst nightmare…

…except it wasn’t.

They weren’t acting like I was some middle-aged dork. In fact, it was just the opposite. They seemed fascinated by my “secret” life, even a bit turned on. Notably, I had three different girls say almost the exact same thing to me:

“I thought you were just another Vegas fuckboy until I found out from Mandy you had a daughter…”

Girls were lining up to compliment me on being “such a devoted father,” to tell me single dads are “sexy.” I soaked up the female fanfare like a pair of Huggies. And, at some point that night, I thought of Erin. Being a single dad was my butterfly tramp-stamp!

Dissonance Attracts

To the ladies in my Vegas social circle, the first impression I’d made on them was that of a cold, calculated womanizer. Such an impression isn’t good or bad on its own, just like—as I came to realize—being a single dad isn’t sexy or unsexy; however, when you put the two together, you get…COGNITIVE DISSONANCE!

At first glance, those girls saw me as a duck, as a player. Then, when Mandy told them I was also a dad, suddenly their perception shifted and the rabbit emerged. This sort of cognitive dissonance is a powerful attractant for a variety of reasons:

This was such a powerful epiphany that I did what any dating instructor would do: I leveraged the shit out of it. I started with my personal style, revamping it to convey a more player-ish vibe. That meant dressing in sleek suits, growing out my hair, and letting some stubble dot my face. When a friend heckled me on Facebook by saying I looked like “a villain in an 80s action movie,” I knew I was on the right track. Hans Gruber had become my spirit animal…

Leaning into my “player vibe” also meant I could—should—show off my single dad life. Rather than hide it, I had license to flaunt it. It was the perfect one-two impression combo:

So, that’s my story. Now I want to know yours. Have you ever had a girl pull an “Erin” on you? Think back. Was there ever a cute girl you thought was one way but who you found out later was another way and, as a result, you couldn’t stop thinking about?

Looking ahead, what’s going to be your story now that you understand the power of cognitive dissonance?

Begin by asking yourself, How are women perceiving me now? Then consider what you can you do to contrast that perception? What is the rabbit and the duck of your identity*and lifestyle**? If nothing else, I hope this helps take the pressure off when it comes to “making a first impression.” Meet-cutes don’t matter (unless you’re a cheesy character in a Rom Com). Instead, strive to be the guy who doesn’t fit into a box, who keeps her guessing. Force her to reassess her perception of you. Be the dragon tattoo at the wild campus party. Because, take it from me, that’s someone she’s not going to forget.

*Keep in mind, I’m not telling you to go out and start acting like someone you’re not; I’m simply telling you to strategically dial up these aspects of who you are to an 11.

** Oh, and I’m also not recommending you knock up some chick to become a single dad—even though being a dad is pretty awesome.

Oh, a few final thoughts. One of the most important things about improving your interactions with women is CONSISTENCY. You need to constantly push outside your comfort zone day-after-day. One way to do that is by considering a new idea or concept that challenges your old way of thinking.

To make sure you do that, you should connect with me on as many channels as possible. Going forward I’m going to be pushing out content (articles, videos, etc.) over my various social media accounts and websites. I’ve made a personal commitment to create as much high-quality content as possible and my goal is to push-out at least one post EACH DAY.

To receive this content as soon as it drops, link up with me here:

Of course, check back here, as well, as writing is my favorite medium—and especially writing out longer articles (like this one).

Also, if you share and like the content, it only encourages me to create more. Not going to lie, I’ve been slacking on my content creation for too long. But all that’s about to change. I really appreciate you reading this post and helping me do what I love, which is helping guys like you achieve the dating success you want—and deserve. A very big thank you in advance! –RJ